#it’s not my fault all my thoughts revolve around my favorite characters dying

[tfwstherapist]

texting your best friend the saddest concept known to man at 2:21am is just the way of life

[peaceheather]

Since there was more than one person interested... here is a summary of what I have so far.

**

Yarina Webster is a weaver in a small town on the edge of the Barrens in the Solar Hierarchy of Codor. Life in Codor more or less revolves around the Solar Hierarchy and its tenets, observing festivals and attending service and what have you. It is expected that everyone will go on pilgrimage to the capital, Kadri, at least once in their lifetimes. Yarina, though, was always a sickly child, and still has occasional bad days now that she's grown. So she’s put off making the pilgrimage until her childhood best friend, Velian, now a priest, comes and cajoles her into making the journey with him.

The Barrens are a dead wasteland that surround Codor on all sides; as far as anyone knows, no one lives there, except possibly the Misbegotten (who may or may not be simply fairytale monsters invented to frighten children)(and who I might do away with myself in the course of building this story). On the way there, Yarina learns that her proximity to the Barrens causes others to look down on her, and she encounters concepts that she had never considered before, everything from how criminals are treated to “witches” and “demons”, from whose magic the Solar Hierarchy promises protection.

Yarina’s ill health improves the closer she gets to the capital, and this is touted as a miracle from the god, Solebri. It turns out, however, that Yarina is sensitive to magical energies, and her health is improving because she is traveling through healthier land that has more magic available for her to draw from. Magic is secretly but strictly regulated by the priesthood of the Solar Hierarchy, and anyone who tries to use it outside of their purview is labeled a witch, and sentenced to a terrible fate: either death, or “alteration” into Misbegotten monsters. Yarina is now in terrible danger through no fault of her own.

Velian’s mentor, Father Marcellus, explains this to Yarina, and arranges for her to escape to the Barrens via airship, piloted by a man named Shan. In the 2007/2018 version of this story, Shan is a fellow exile who almost certainly can not be trusted, and Velian is exiled along with Yarina. It is Shan who tells them that the only way they'll survive is to make it to the Storm Wall, a mythical, magical boundary that provides the only source of water for the entire Barrens.

In the updated 2023 version of this story, I want Yarina to go to the Barrens alone, taken there by Shan, while Velian is left behind and has no clue what could have happened to his childhood best friend, whom he might still be in love with even though Yarina never knew that he felt that way. In that case, Velian has to hunt for Yarina and learn a great deal about the secrets the Hierarchy has been hiding from him. Though Velian doesn’t know it yet, Shan will be instrumental in helping him find Yarina once more. This is, once again, my favorite plot: “Character A is separated from Character B and they must reunite,” except that once they do reunite, Velian discovers that Yarina is dying, and with Shan’s help must go on a dangerous journey in order to save her life.

What follows is a tale of adventure, exile, betrayal, and trust, that tests not only their faith, but everything Shan, Velian, and Yarina thought they ever knew. There will be magic, and gods, new lands not seen in centuries, and old tales not heard in just as long.

Hm. I might be "back on my bullshit", as the kids say; I seem to be resurrecting an original novel concept that I haven't touched since 2018.

I wrote 15 chapters and roughly 50k before I decided the story was boring, and now my brain wants to come back to it. I haven't been able to forget the notions since I first came up with them in 2007.

Would anyone here be interested in hearing updates about a story I'm tentatively calling The Pilgrimage, even though it's not MCU or Merlin related in any way?

[bullshittierlists]

Spoiler Warning!!! - This review will contain spoilers for all of SDR2 and the first chapter of DRV3 as well as slight spoilers for DR1. You’ve been warned.

I see no god up here other than me

Gundham Tanaka- His name is GUNDHam TaNAKA

Sonia Nevermind- This is my third time typing this rant. I literally don’t know why people hate her so much?? There are two main arguments that I’ve come across. The first is that she is boring and shouldn’t have survived, but that’s the same as Asahina and everyone seems to love her. (Don’t get me wrong, I also love her, but all she had were donuts and her relationship with Sakura) She’s just a cute girl with some occult-ish quirks and I don’t see why that has to be such a bad thing. The other, more prevalent, argument is that since she’s at the center of the infamous love triangle, she must be the root of all its problems. It’s really frustrating when people blame her for Kazuichi’s faults. I’ll talk more about Kazuichi later, but his terrible qualities are a result of his own actions, and Sonia shouldn’t be blamed for being the object of his affections. It’s honestly blaming the victim and I’m sick of it. Obviously, she hasn’t treated him perfectly and I understand why people are frustrated with it. The only example of this, though, is in chapter four when she goes back-and-forth between treating him coldly and praising him when she should’ve just rejected him a long time ago. However, I think I can understand where she’s coming from in this chapter. I think it was kind of a Shuichi/Kaede situation. She had already figured out that Gundham was the killer, but didn’t want to admit it to herself, and definitely didn’t want to tell everyone else even though he was more than ready to admit it. Therefore, she treated Kazuichi coldly whenever he was getting close to the truth (or treating her poorly) and praised him whenever he was leading the group in the wrong direction. I don’t have any evidence that these were the times she treated him this way, but that’s how I remember it. Anyway, Kazuichi should stop being a creep, and apologists should stop rationalizing it. Her one slip-up in this case when she was panicked and worried for her closest friend does not make up for all of the other times Kazuichi treated her terribly.

You’re the best

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu- Boss baby boss baby boss baby. Also, he’s a fantastically fleshed out character and his relationship with Peko makes me cry literally every time :)  I just wish his character development had been a bit more stretched out, instead of on-the-spot like it was. I also kinda wish his sudden development had been a result of the despair disease, but you can’t have everything.

Nagito Komaeda- Recently, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how SimpleFlips calls softlocking in SM64 “gay baby jail” and Komaeda makes me think of that.

Chiaki Nanami- I’m not quite as attached to her as everyone else seems to be, but I totally see the appeal. Cute girl, cute backpack, and plot-relevant??? Incredible.

Ibuki Mioda- She’s just so fun. I don’t typically like characters who are loud for the sake of being loud, but I can’t help but love her. This was the first game I fully voice-acted for fun (the girls, at least) and Ibuki was definitely one of my favorites. It just feels good to yell sometimes, you know?

Hey, I think you’re pretty cool, I like you a lot

Peko Pekoyama- I’m a simple woman. I think of chapter two, I cry. At least, the epilogue of that case. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Twilight Syndrome Murder Case and I definitely didn’t like the, albeit fake, serial killer twist. It didn’t feel natural and just felt bad. Loved hearing Sonia say “Sparkling Justice!”, though.

Hiyoko Saionji- I totally understand why people hate her. I get it, I do. But I just can’t bring myself to hate her. She’s obviously not a good person, but I have shit taste. Byakuya and Kokichi aren’t good people, but everyone loves them anyway. I just think she’s so funny and terrible, I can’t help but get attached. I’m not usually the type to like little sister characters, or even bullies, but she’s just such a perfect combination of the two that I can’t help but love her. I also obviously am not the biggest fan of Mikan (I’ll explain, I swear) so the bullying didn’t really affect me too much.

Hajime Hinata- He’s the protagonist. I don’t really know what to tell you. I used to believe in Hajime supremacy, but I’m starting to understand the Shuichi supremacy now, so idk, Hajime might end up lower after I finish V3.

Byakuya Togami/Ultimate Imposter- He’s just such a good guy. I know that the real Byakuya is an ass, but the imposter is so nice and supportive. I can’t even take him seriously as Byakuya anymore because of how supportive he is. The real Byakuya could never. I just finished his last free-time event and he really feels like his own person now, which I can imagine is all he’s ever wanted. He isn’t Byakuya to me anymore, he’s himself. I just don’t have a unique name to call him by.

I remember you

Mahiru Koizumi- Her photography thing was cute, I liked it a lot. I don’t know the basic stance people take on her crush on Hajime, but I thought it was really cute and believable. I don’t know if I ship it, but I can see it in canon. It makes sense and works well.

Akane Owari- She’s a jock. I feel pretty neutral about jocks unless they have another prevalent thing that fits my interests.

Nekomaru Nidai- Again, a jock. I’m just not the biggest fan. I know that his backstory makes up for a lot of his inherent jock boringness, but I just can’t get into him as much as some other people can. I definitely see the appeal, though.

Usami/Monomi- She’s a mascot. Cool. Honestly preferred Monophanie.

You are literally the worst. Actual scum. Leave this planet and never return

Mikan Tsumiki- I told you I’d explain. First, I need to explain some personal reasons I didn’t like her, rather than objective characteristics. Like I mentioned with Ibuki, I voice-acted the whole game with each of the girls. Never before has a voice physically affected me as much as Mikan’s. In order to make her voice so high and quiet, I have to close my throat and tighten my jaw. It makes my throat, jaw, and head hurt all at the same time and it feels awful. The only time this wasn’t the case was during her breakdown and that’s because I couldn’t make her say those things with that voice, it didn’t make sense. Which brings me to my next point: her breakdown. I didn’t like it. At all. It wasn’t interesting and it didn’t make sense. I know that everyone else was sad because she was bullied a bunch and began to romanticize it, and yeah, I feel bad, but it wasn’t enough to make me like her. Her breakdown made a little more sense after watching the anime, believe it or not, but it was still not great. She could’ve been easily redeemed for me if she had a different motive for killing Hiyoko. I don’t really have an opinion on whether or not Ibuki should’ve lived longer, or even survived, but I definitely agree with Hiyoko dying during the third case, I just wish the motive had been different. It would’ve been so powerful if Mikan’s despair disease had made her remember her past with the bullying, and then she realized how much she hated it. She started to notice how Hiyoko was treating her and finally snaps. She kills Hiyoko in cold blood on purpose, instead of on accident, and covers it up in a more reasonable way instead the literal impossibility that we actually got. Then, in her breakdown, instead of pleading for forgiveness, she tries to rationalize her actions and convince everyone else that she was in the right by killing her. It would’ve been much more interesting and would’ve made much more sense. I also wish she had made use of Ibuki’s despair disease (which made her gullible) and commanded her to hang herself instead of staging the other thing, because it was a lot of extra work that was really unnecessary and it would’ve made more use of the despair disease other than a plot contrivance for Junko’s entrance. This kind of turned into my review for the third chapter, but still. Killers are always more fleshed out in their respective chapters, so their existence is often pretty much tied to the events of that chapter, since everything typically revolves around them. I might as well add here that her execution was really basic and underwhelming, but as far as I’ve seen, I’m not alone in that opinion.

Monokuma- It’s kind of an ironic hate with Monokuma. Sure, he makes me laugh, but he’s also fuel for the killing game, so... I don’t know. He pisses me off sometimes, but he’s also pretty funny at other times.

Kazuichi Souda- This is basically a continuation of the Sonia rant, so here we go. I would like to preface this by saying that in the context of Kazuichi’s free-time events, he’s one of my favorite characters. However, in the main story, I placed him here. I would normally average out my opinions of his different forms, but his optional events don’t make up for his actions that are required to be experienced. While some of his quips toward Sonia made me laugh, they still made me uncomfortable to some extent. It’s honestly frustrating to see him try so hard when she obviously isn’t interested in him. Some people choose to see this as an underdog story, but I think it’s just annoying and low-key creepy. He’s constantly fetishizing Sonia and keeps making moves on her even after she treats him coldly. He isn’t brave or cool for doing this, like the media would like you to believe, he’s creepy and persistent, and not in a good way. While I do agree that Sonia should’ve just turned him down from the very beginning, I still don’t put all of that blame on her. I’m sure she’s had her fair share of creepy guys making advances on her and she’s just had to take it, since she’s a princess and it would hurt her noble reputation. Kazuichi should also be able to think for himself and see that she’s not interested. It shouldn’t be completely up to her to get him to stop. He should be able to take a hint and back off, whether she tells him directly or otherwise. She definitely hints to him that she’s not interested in some of the later chapters, but he completely ignores it and keeps trying anyway. I wouldn’t have such a problem with him if he didn’t represent a very real issue that we are facing in the world today. Nice guys will, unfortunately, always be plaguing our society and it doesn’t look like they’re getting any better. It doesn’t help that the media continually raises them up and convinces them that they are in the right, even though they definitely aren’t. No man is entitled to any woman and people need to stop sympathizing with men who are rejected and keep pushing. In almost every post I’ve seen from Kazuichi apologists, they explain that Sonia should’ve given him a chance. Really? She did give him a chance. She gave him several chances, in fact, more than she was entitled to. The first time she acted coldly towards him was at the end of chapter 4. That’s four entire chapters, plus a prologue, of chances that she gave him. She was always polite and talked to him when he approached her. Maybe she saw this as her noble duty, but either way, she didn’t reject him outright the first time she saw him. She tried to be friends, he was creepy, and then she started to hint that she wasn’t interested. This is a natural progression for her character and is in no way wrong of her. He is not entitled to her attention and should learn to back off when he’s not wanted. The other big reason I see that people don’t like Sonia is because she basically ruined any chance of Kazuichi and Gundham having any sort of relationship other than rivals. Again, it’s not Sonia’s fault that they both liked her. It’s also not her fault for choosing Gundham over Kazuichi, since he treated her respectfully and they also shared interests. She also didn’t need a specific reason to choose Gundham over Kazuichi, because she is free to make her own choices based on anything she wants, including nothing. Even though I said all of this, I do actually wish that Gundham and Kazuichi could’ve had some kind of relationship. I think it could’ve been very interesting, but it didn’t need to be devoid of Sonia. I think it would’ve been just as interesting for Gundham and Kazuichi to talk with Sonia as it would’ve been for her to introduce them to each other more formally and get them to become friends. I think it could’ve been fun for Kazuichi to have a little playful resentment towards Gundham for getting the girl, but instead, he went completely off the deep end. If he had just backed off like I suggested earlier, maybe they could’ve had that relationship that everyone longed for. I am also obligated to say here that I think all of his free-time events were absolutely adorable and the fact that he gets motion sickness is the single best piece of comedy every written.

Teruteru Hanamura- I’ve been doing a lot of rants and I’m kind of tired of it. You know why I don’t like him, I don’t need to explain it. He’s shitty, blah blah blah. His tiny bit of plot with his mother didn’t really do anything to redeem him for me and I just plain don’t like him. Sorry, not sorry.

Wow, this took way too long. I forgot I had so many opinions on these characters. I would’ve said a lot more about Gundham, but it’s kind of my thing here to say more about my second favorite characters and characters that I don’t like than my favorite characters, and I knew there were going to be several rants, so I decided to keep his very short. My definitive favorites list is Gundham and then Sonia, with a pending Fuyuhiko in third. The four dark devas are the best characters and I’m so upset they weren’t on here. I would apologize for my Kazuichi rant, since it had two parts, both of which were very long, but it all needed to be said because I’m sick and tired of Kazuichi apologists. They keep coming across my dash and I would like to be rid of them. If you like Kazuichi, that’s fine, I actually quite like him, too, you just need to acknowledge his faults instead of just rationalizing them in a bad way. If someone wants to send me reasons why Sonia is terrible, I’ll listen, because I’m sure I’m probably being a bit of a Sonia apologist, although I feel like her actions were a lot less impactful. Sondam supremacy, thank you, goodnight.

[skribbz]

i know im sending u tons of these but ELLIE

Oh boy here we go

First impression

I actually didn’t know anything about TLoU before I played it except for it being a zombie game. Since zombies have always been a super special interest for me, I had to play it. So actually playing it was like being smacked in the face with emotions. 

But I didn’t even know about the existence of Ellie, so my first time seeing her was when Joel meets her. I thought she seemed cool, but a little abrasive. She did make me laugh though. 

Impression now

Oh god where do I even start. 

I’m not even exaggerating when I say Ellie helped me become who I am today. I related to her in so many ways. Not just in the way she's so nerdy, but also in how she treats others. She was just a kid who was let down by the world around her, yet she still wants to do what she thinks is best for everyone. She's sentimental, holding onto keepsakes from the people she's lost. She can have a bad attitude sometimes, but is just a complete sweetheart. She goes through so much, and even when Joel gives her the option to just go back home, she decides to keep going. 

Ellie came into my life when I needed a role model. The way she had gone through so much, but didn't let it break her soul, the way she always found a way to "endure and survive", meant so much to me at the time, and even now. She also helped me accept the fact that I wasn't straight. Seeing a character who I already admired so much, kissing another girl made me just break down crying. 

When they said that Ellie was going to be the main character of the second game, I cried again. I think the second game just really expands on the reasons I loved her in the first one. She still tries to do what she thinks is best. It's not always the right thing, and sometimes it's very much the wrong thing. But she has so much guilt over Joel, yet still loves him so much she's willing to do whatever it takes to give him the justice she thinks she deserves, even if she knows it's not at all what he would want her to do. (There's so much more to her thoughts and actions in the sequel of course, but I feel like this is one of the most important ones.) It's just like the first game where she's willing to go to any ends to do what she thinks is right, no matter how much it may hurt her in the process. 

I think in the end she has realized that her life means more than just being the cure. Her life matters just because she’s alive, is loved, and loves others, and that message means a lot to me, and I’m sure to many others, too. 

I think Ellie is such a wonderful character, and one of the most well written characters I've ever seen in any media. She really changed my life, and because of that she is my favorite character ever. 

Favorite moment

HOW am I supposed to choose just one. 

Does the entire winter section count? It shows much she loves Joel, and how strong she has become by that point, and how determined she is to survive. She sees just how truly awful some people in the world can be, and despite it she still wants to do whatever she can for the cure.

It’s our first look into what would become a major theme of the second game. While David’s town is an enemy to Joel and Ellie, and we as players hate them, they were doing what they thought was best to survive. Cannibalism isn’t right by our standards, but that’s because we haven’t been pushed to that point. But would we be willing to turn to it if we were pushed that far? Is it more acceptable to kill innocent people to feed a whole community that’s depending on you, or is it more acceptable to just let all of those innocent lives that are depending on you die?

I think we can all agree on one thing though. David is a piece of shit and deserved to be chopped up into teeny pieces. 

Idea for a story

I have many ideas. But I'll go with where I think her story can go from here, AKA my TLoU3 idea. 

The story starts 12 or so years later. Putting JJ around 13. Dina, Ellie and Abby 32-33. Lev around 25. Tommy and Maria probably late 50s-early 60s

Ellie is back in Jackson. She works her ass off doing whatever manual labor she can because all she wants to do is just work herself into exhaustion. She's dealt with her trauma and she’s in a better place mentally now. Now her reasons for shutting everything out is that she’s too scared to try and really reconnect. She wants companionship but is afraid of the pain of losing it all again.

The exception is when she has JJ. He is still the light of her life. She takes him hunting and camping and plays video games with him and they geek out over comics. She has taught him to draw. She wants to teach him guitar like she promised, but hasn’t been able to yet. 

The only time she sets foot outside of Jackson is with JJ.

Dina is of course doing something that uses her skills. Maybe the lead electrician at the dam. They've kept JJ very innocent. Obviously he knows of the infected, and has seen his moms kill them before, but he doesn’t know just how bad it really is, he’s never seen another human die.

Her and Ellie are amicable. They are happy to be co parenting jj but there's nothing between them (for now). 

Maria holds a lot of guilt. Over sending Joel and Tommy out that day, over not giving Ellie and Dina help in Seattle, which got Jesse killed, over letting Tommy get as bad as he did after Seattle. She blames herself for the way Ellie is. She tries to spend time with Ellie, but Ellie is very elusive when she wants to be. She adores JJ though. That's her little great nephew. His auntie is the leader of the whole town and he uses that to his advantage every chance he gets. And she lets him.

Tommy has a little guilt. He doesn’t know Abby is alive, Ellie only ever told him she “finished things” and didn’t talk to him much after that. But he sees how she is a complete mess and lost her fingers. He knows that guitar was special for Ellie, plus any kind of disability is a huge disadvantage in their world. Dina doesn’t let JJ near him. JJ doesn't understand why and no one will tell him

Tommy and Maria never worked out their differences and have stayed separated, partly because of their guilt toward what happened with Ellie. They cared about her like she was their own and they both let her down

Jackson is now huge. They’ve made contact with other settlements, and have trade routes. But Maria is getting older and the town is getting too much for her to run on her own. Tommy is getting up there in age as well, and despite his injuries he still does patrols. But alone. He’s not actively trying to get killed, but he isn’t always as careful as he knows he should be. 

Story starts out and you're playing as Tommy on patrol. He gets ambushed by a small group of people. And lo and behold Abby (and Lev) is there. Tommy is shocked when he finds out who it is, and he asks if she came to finish the job she started. She says no they tracked him since he left the town and were waiting to get him alone because she has news for him. The fireflies have rebuilt stronger than ever and now they’re back out for the cure and are coming for Ellie, because she is the only known source, but also as a form of revenge for what Joel did all those years ago, destroying what the Fireflies once were. They were able to get there first because they only brought a few people and set out before the main squad. Tommy asks why he should believe her, and she says that Ellie saved her life years ago and it's the least she could do to pay her back. (just like. Assume that there was enough info stored with the fireflies that Abby could work out who Ellie is). To keep Tommy from attacking or following him, they knock him out and untie him then leave. 

Control switches back to Ellie who is doing her chores around town. You get to nail fences, chop wood, and carry hay bales. Fun. Later that night, as Ellie is getting home, standing on her porch, Tommy rolls up and confronts Ellie about Abby being alive. They get into a huge fight and Ellie tells Tommy that he fucked up her life. It's his fault she lost Dina. His fault she only gets to see jj when Dina allows it, his fault Jesse was killed. And its his fucking fault Joel died.

He storms off. But then Ellie notices J standing on the street coming to stay the night. She had forgotten this was her night with him. He’d been told his whole life that moms had a peaceful break up, and that dad and grandpa Joel died being heroes, but now he’s upset about what he's heard so he runs back home to Dina. 

That night Ellie is woken up by fighting in Jackson. She runs out to try and find what's going on. All she can get is that fireflies are attacking. She eventually finds out that some travelers shot Maria and a fight broke out. Ellie fights through the town to Maria. She's injured with a gunshot in the arm, but alive still and kicking some ass. She tells Ellie that fireflies came asking for her, and would leave peacefully in return. She told them no and they shot her. Maria says she’ll be okay and tells Ellie to go find JJ and get him to safety. 

She fights through to the other side of town. Because of the commotion, infected have broken in so there’s humans and infected running around killing. She gets to Jesse's house and JJ is hysterical, Dina is holding him down and he's like screaming and crying. His grandpa fought off a firefly who was trying to get in their home and was shot and killed. It hits Ellie that this is all her fault. People are dying because of her again. Anyway she tells dina and robin that they need to leave. Dina says she's not going anywhere without Ellie. Ellie wants to stay and fight, but JJ is more important right now. So the 4 of them sneak out and near the gates they meet up with Tommy. He’s helping get people out and sending them to one of the patrol lookouts that is secure and can fit everyone. 

Ellie sends Dina, Robin and JJ off. Ellie gives JJ Joel's revolver and tells him to keep mom and grandma safe for her. She goes back to Tommy and the two get back to Maria. When they are very close to her, an infected ambushes them and Tommy gets bit. They get to Maria who is losing blood fast and doesn't look well. After a lot of arguing from Ellie, the pair decide to stay. They tell Ellie they’re old now. Maria wont last long with her wounds, and tommy has no chance of surviving his. They apologize to Ellie for the way things turned out and how much she has meant to them all these years. They give her all their ammo except for one bullet in each of their guns, because that's all they need now. Ellie begs them to come along, and she’ll figure something out for them. But they eventually convince her to go. Ellie leaves crying, and Maria and Tommy maybe get a cute moment before cutting back to Ellie. 

Ellie makes it back to where the survivors are and is depressed that there's way less than she was expecting. JJ has cried himself to sleep and Dina notices Ellie is acting strange and pulls her away to ask her. Ellie tells her what happened and Dina holds her while she cries. It's the first time anyone has really been physically affectionate with her in a long time so Ellie clings to her as she lets it all out

The last survivors decide that Jackson isn’t safe. It's too damaged, filled with infected, and no one can figure out what the fireflies were doing. Ellie can't bring herself to say anything about it. 

The next morning, everyone wakes up and is discussing what to do. JJ is still inconsolable. Ellie decides to take him away from the group to get some fresh air. She tells him to hold on to Joel's revolver. They chat and JJ asks what happened to auntie Maria and Tommy. She decides to be honest with him. She expects him to cry, but is shocked to see him become angry instead. He basically swears revenge for them and for his grandfather. This of course stirs up a lot of very negative thoughts in Ellie, but she decides to let him grieve in his own way for now. 

That’s everything I have written out in detail for now. But the main idea would be Ellie becoming a leader to the few remaining survivors as they make contact with the other settlements that Jackson is allied with. She would take responsibility for all of these lives. They would be her reason for fighting now. 

Over the course of the game, Abby would come back and her and Ellie would be forced to team up. There’s no more animosity between the two though, they’re both over it and don’t want to go back down that road. Over the course of the story they would come to understand each other’s actions. They wouldn’t become friends, but they can at least rely on each other. 

JJ would find out that Abby is the person responsible for Joel and Jesse’s death, and she came from the group that killed his grandfather, Tommy and Maria. He’d go into a rage and try to attack her and Ellie would have to hold him back. He wants to know why Ellie is defending the person who hurt everyone they loved. Ellie would have to finally tell him the whole story, and try to keep him from giving into his anger and sadness like she did in the second game. She won’t let her son become like her. She wants him to stay her innocent baby boy, but she knows that’s just not possible in their world. 

Other stuff that I have yet to flesh out:

More about Dina’s backstory. Or at least her last name. 

Lev being a big brother to JJ.

Dina and Ellie falling in love all over again as Dina sees Ellie doing so much for the rest of the community. It’s gonna be emotional.

Ellie teaching JJ how to play guitar, and tearfully singing Future Days to him.

Unpopular opinion

I’m not sure of what people’s opinions on her are. I know most people love her and anyone who doesn’t isn’t entitled to an opinion. 

I guess one is I’m not a fan of her farm hairstyle. Her Seattle look was just so cute. Why did you do that to your head, girl. 

Favorite relationship

Dina of course.

I feel like Dina represented what Ellie could have if she wasn’t stuck in the past. Joel represented her violent past, and her traumas. Dina represented her future, her home, her family. Ellie was so stuck in the past, that she couldn’t see the future standing literally right in front of her. 

It’s a great representation of how she holds onto the people she loves, but also how PTSD works. The past keeps coming back to haunt her. 

Favorite headcanon

I hc her as autistic! I kinda feel bad because everyone else hcs her as having ADHD. But I’m autistic so I say she is too *sunglass emoji*. 

Why I think she’s autistic: 

Obviously her special interests would be space and dinosaurs, and the way she talks about them reminds me of how I get when people let me infodump about my SIs.

The way she plays with her fingers looks hella like stimming to me. In fact, that’s one of my stims!

Her interest in art and music.

Her interest in general nerdy stuff like comics and video games. 

She collects cards, and collecting is a big autistic trait.

The way she’s sort of untidy and cluttered, yet labels all of her boxes of shit. The ordered mess is such an autistic thing.

[thesffcorner]

We Are the Ants

We Are the Ants is YA contemporary sci-fi novel written by Shaun David Hutchinson. It follows Henry, a high school student who gets abducted by aliens. The aliens pose Henry with a problem: the whole world is going to end on January 29th, 2016, and he’s the only one that can stop it; he just has to push a button. I’m slowly working my way through the really popular queer authors in YA, and Shaun David Hutchinson had been on my list for a while. I had been avoiding reading his books because I knew they dealt with heavy topics and a lot of abuse, and boy was I right about that. This is one of the most glib and sad books I’ve read in a while, and though that is mitigated by lot’s of humor and a hopeful ending, if you are at all sensitive to topics such as suicide, assault, and bullying, I’d suggest you stay clear of this book. First thing I’ll say is that Hutchinson’s writing style, is an acquired taste. You really have to enjoy this type of sardonic humor in order to get through this book, because especially for the first 100 pages, it’s relentless. We get the story in the form of Henry’s diary, and Henry is a very difficult character to like. He’s mean, he’s locked in a loop of self-loathing, depression, and hatred, and his entire outlook on life is justifiably bleak. As such, so is his humor; he spends a good chunk of the book calling his brother’s unborn child a ‘parasite’, and a lot of his internal monologue is the definition of the ‘too edgy for you’ variety. To give you an example: ”Turn on the news; read some blogs. The world is a shithole, and I have to consider whether it might be better to wipe the slate clean, and give the civilization that evolves from the ashes of our bones a chance to get it right” pg. 18 Personally, I was hooked. A few books have taken me back to what it felt like being a teenager so effectively, and this brought me straight back to the dark days, the endless drudge of school, confusion, hopelessness, feeling small and isolated, and like saying the world is shit and humans are idiots was the smartest thing anyone had ever said. Like Henry I too spent a lot of time pontificating on the futility of life and the universe, on being alone or dying, on the meaninglessness of existence. I did it for very different reasons that Henry, but the memory and effect were still the same. The fact of life is, when you’re a teenager you feel like you have all the answers, and all the adults are just too stupid or too ‘bought’ to see what is obvious to you, and this book really captured that feeling. The plot was not what I thought it would be, considering the premise. The book does revolve around the aliens and the end of the world, but it’s not an active part of the plot. Most of it comes down to Henry thinking about pressing the button, coming up with increasingly insane doomsday scenarios, and asking the characters around him if they’d push the the button if they were him. I found the various answers interesting, mostly in how they were all really unconvincing. I think that’s an intentional choice by Hutchinson, because really when you are in such a state as Henry is, what would be a convincing answer? Maybe you could make the most reasoned, researched argument, but at the end of the day, if you feel like you have nothing to wake up for, nothing will sound convincing. The alien are in reality are just a speculative element that Hutchinson uses as a way to externalize Henry’s internal conflict and mental state. Henry is dealing with a lot throughout the book; he’s dealing with the devastating suicide of someone close to him, with his father leaving him, his bad family situation, and the constant and relentless bullying at school and at home. The sluggers have a lot to do with that, and the abductions seem to be happening to Henry whenever he feels like he’s at an impasse or in a situation in which he needs to make a difficult choice. The main focus is dealing with loss, grief and depression, all of which I thought were presented extremely well, and believable. People deal with loss in different ways, and when it comes to suicide, especially the kind where the person leaves behind no explanation, no note, no last words, it’s almost impossible to conceive of a future where that specter wouldn’t haunt you for the rest of your life. Henry, his friend Audrey, and the person’s mother all blame themselves for the suicide, and the book in a way agrees with them; it was everyone’s fault and no one’s and the lack of concrete blame is infuriating and insurmountable. Henry especially tends to blame himself for pushing people away, and he feels like he wasn’t enough to keep the person alive. He’s obsessed with finding out why they’d done it; for someone who spends paragraphs talking about how nothing happens for a reason, how patterns are just in the human mind, and how life is meaningless and nothing matters, he is determined to find the reason behind the suicide, ignoring everyone who keeps telling him that the reason won’t bring the person back. It’s easy to see why Henry would blame himself; he’s someone who’s been dealt a really bad hand in life. I too was pretty badly bullied, especially in middle school, but it was nothing compared to what Henry goes through. Some of the scenes were so unsettling and so brutal I genuinely was sick reading them. What the characters in this book do to Henry goes beyond mere bullying and crosses into criminal assault, and I was glad that the adults and the police got involved, even if ultimately they were useless. It was at least a little comforting to know that though Henry felt like he was alone, there were people there for him, even if he didn’t see it. However, while I was glad the adults were present in the book, I don’t think they handled the situation appropriately. For example, Henry’s brother Charlie says and does some awful things to Henry, and there wasn’t ever a point where he’s called out on what he’s done, or a moment where he’s faced with the consequences of what he’s been doing to Henry for his entire life. It’s clear that Charlie loves Henry, but the way he treats him is not healthy or right, and he should have been held accountable, especially for the part where he blames Henry’s assault on Henry. The bullies too, don’t quite get what they deserved. Though it’s in a way realistic that they’d get away with things, the fact that Henry so easily forgives, especially one of them really didn’t sit right with me. Sure, there are always reasons for why people act the way they do, but what that character does to Henry is unforgivable, and goes way beyond simple growing disagreements. I’m not sure the message of forget about the people who made your life a living hell for years is necessarily the best one. The only other thing that annoyed me in the book, was how perfect the ending was. I think, especially considering how sharp and unflinching the story had been up until that point having the romance work out, and having no consequences come to Diego after what he does was a bit unrealistic. I am grateful that this book had a hopeful ending, but I just think it was too easy. Let’s talk about the characters. Everyone in this book felt and read like a fully realized person, and I loved that. We don’t have many characters, but the ones we do, especially Henry’s family were well developed. I loved how close Henry was to his Nana, and she was probably my favorite character. She has dementia, but she’s never used as a ‘burden’ or obstacle for the other characters; she’s a fully fleshed out person, and the surprise Henry throws her was so touching, it made me tear up. Audrey was a welcome presence in the story, and I liked her a lot, though she does suffer a bit from only girl who is Henry’s peer in the book. I liked that she had a lot of personal struggles, outside of Henry, but I found that they weren’t handled very well. She has a lot of backstory, but none of it plays a part in her relationship with Henry once they make up, and I found that she was unrealistically patient and wise for a teenager. I can absolutely say the same thing for Diego; there were many scenes where I was shocked to see him act so maturely around Henry, which just isn’s something I think teenagers would do. I’m also not gonna lie; Diego reminded me too much of Andrew from All For the Game. Not only do they have very similar backstories, his relationship with Henry was pretty reflective of that between Neil and Andrew. I thought he was fine as a character, but he did suffer a bit from manic pixie dream love interest. Finally we have Henry. I both loved and loathed Henry. He was one of the best written characters I’ve read from, which also entails all his flaws. He reminded me a bit of Mila from Undead Girl Gang; he’s confrontational and mean to everyone around him, in an attempt to deal with and hide the pain he’s still processing. The bullying that Henry endures in this book was beyond something I thought people experience, but I absolutely believed it would happen. It was both weird and nice that at least it didn’t revolve around his sexuality, not that what it does revolve around is any better. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to lose someone the way he has, and I though the dull, ever present grief he feels fully through every page of the book. It’s not about saving the world really; it’s about Henry finding the strength to save himself from his own depression, and I really, really appreciated that Hutchinson has Henry get on medication and go to a hospital. The state he’s in isn’t anything he can handle himself, and I’m really glad that he was allowed to seek out help. Overall, I really loved this book. It’s a difficult read, in spite of the sardonic tone and humor. If you think you can handle the subject matter I think you should give it a read; I can definitely see why people love it so much, even though it isn’t perfect.

goodreads

[sethnakht]

For the character ask meme -- Anakin Skywalker!

ahhhh, i’m dying to ask you this! can i? ahhHHHHH

!!!!!

… these answers are going to be completely unsatisfying, i fear … I’m only going to talk about the PT, not because I think Anakin and Vader are separate entities, but because I talk too much about Vader already

First impression

Given how important this character is to me, you’d expect me to have one. The strange thing is that I don’t. I was twelve when I saw TPM in theaters, and remember very little about it - my father took us to see it once, expressed his disappointment at the end (I think I’d been reasonably entertained, but hadn’t loved it either, and in any case his opinion had weight), and that was that. So my memories of the film are almost entirely blank. Only almost entirely, though, because I had access to the trailer. 

The trailer lived in public spaces. The first time I saw it was in a computer store featuring Apple iMacs (the original green and white plastic ones). The iMacs were all lined up in a row and playing it on eternal repeat. Everything was silent and forbiddingly beautiful. Something happened to me while gazing at those iconic shots of Theed (from the air), of Padmé staring out the palace window in her red dress. Somehow, the combination of those images and the source - the coolest-looking computer I’d ever seen - produced a wellspring of longing. Naboo became an unreachable dream, the scenery tinged with melancholy, an air of death. Padmé - whom I could imagine later in life on Alderaan, hidden with Leia, disguised to be unrecognizable - exerted mysterious power over my imagination. 

Anakin, by contrast, never even figured.

This is getting too long, so I’ll end by noting that my first conscious impressions of Anakin were mediated by clever adult fans writing meta and fiction over on TheForce.Net, back when fandom congregated around discussion boards. Fernwithy’s stories about Anakin had an enormous impact - stories like this short little piece from 2000, which presented Anakin’s relationship to Obi-Wan and to his mother and to Padmé in a prescient nutshell. By the time AotC came out, I was prepared to find him conflicted, struggling to communicate, cowed and haunted and bursting from holding too much inside - Hayden sold me instantly.

Impression now

Conflicted!  Anakin is someone whose frustrations and conflicts I can understand on an almost visceral level - but the choices he ultimately makes are deeply alienating to me when not flat-out horrific, and no level of understanding can excuse how he chooses to take choices away from others (murder being only the most extreme form of how he does that). I identify with him more deeply than with any other character and am also repulsed by him just as deeply, I think of him as desperately in need of intervention and support but also as someone who chose not to compromise or listen, who shut out what he didn’t want to hear. It’s that polar relationship that keeps me fascinated, though: I love the discussions he generates about choice, freedom, politics, morality, toxic masculinity, love, loyalty, blindness, identity, communication, perception, storytelling, etc. 

Favorite moment

Difficult, but I think it has to be from RotS: that sequence of him alone, isolated, shunted aside in the temple, staring out at the cityscape and crying as the sun sets, face lit in contrast as he weighs whether to follow Mace to the Senate - there’s an emotional heaviness to it all that I love, but what’s best about the sequence I think is how it creates this space away from the constant action, this space to breathe and think - none of this is inevitable. He could go to Padmé, he could follow orders and wait things out, he could talk to healers. He’s in a room full of windows to all sides, and at the same time, his gaze is shown fixed, unwavering, blind to other possibilities as he lets himself be overwhelmed by premonitions of grief. So I love this moment for how it silently frames his ultimate choice as a choice while also allowing one to see that in his mind, there is no other choice

Idea for a story

I’ll be honest, every single one of the stories in my head revolves around Vader in some shape or form. I’m not particularly creative, either. I suppose I’d love to see more stories where he would ordinarily clamp up and keep secrets and do his typical x but is instead forced into a different y - much along the lines of this particular AU from @darth–nickels - I love scenarios where his communication issues are at once given an outlet and compounded and complicated! 

Unpopular opinion

This isn’t unpopular, per se, but I really do think Anakin is responsible for his choices, full stop 

Favorite relationship

… so I was going to say “Obi-Wan” because I love how conflict is baked into their relationship from the start and how flawed they both are and how complex that relationship becomes over time. I love reading about these two - about the imbalances as well as their co-dependency - I love what you write about these two - I have an internal cheer whenever he shows up in Vader’s thoughts, especially. Vader completely alone in a room talking to himself and yet also trashing Obi-Wan in the same breath is one of my favorite things.

But I think there’s another answer, and that’s Shmi. This is the relationship that proves that things didn’t have to end the way they did, the key to his heart, the wedge that separates him even from Padmé (who could have freed her but didn’t), the lash that binds him to Palpatine … I love stories about Anakin and Shmi prior to TPM, and I love stories that address what could have gone differently had she not died. There’s also something particularly special to me about the moments where she rises in his thoughts even as Vader, however horrifying

Favorite headcanon

When puberty hits, he begins to hate how he sounds. His voice was always the boundary that marked him as different, apart, but now it’s worse. He thought he would grow up to sound powerful. Sometimes he thinks his voice is the main reason Obi-Wan can’t take him seriously. And that’s not fair, and yet he also feels like a failure for thinking that, because isn’t everything also his fault, isn’t the world waiting for him to save it? But then someone snickers because of something he’s said, and it sends him into a rage …

(Only much later, when he hears himself speak as though for the first time, does he feel empowered - liberated, at peace with himself.)

[hellotheretraveler]

A Story

I was three years old when I memorized the sounds the symbols on the page meant and realized that, together, they made the words that I spoke. I began to read every story I could get my hands on. I had a pile of books I had read next to my bed that was nearly as tall as I was. I loved the fairy tales and their happy endings, but my mother always told me that I would never be a princess, Prince Charming was never real, and that endings are rarely ever happy.

I was five years old when I learned firsthand what my mother meant. My mother cried at night when she thought I was asleep and she told me that she and my dad didn’t love each other anymore. I met a new lady who was supposed to be my new mom, and a man who I hid from under the kitchen table. I learned that my dad liked my new mom better than my real mom, and had decided to choose her over my mom, my baby brother, and me. My happy family and the world in which I lived was destroyed.

I was seven years old when I cried every day at school. The teachers were worried at first, but by the third day it had gotten old and they waved me off as attention-seeking. When they asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t begin to explain, and instead used the first excuse that popped into my head. I wanted my family back together. I was bullied by my classmates and shamed into hiding my face inside my lunchbox when the tears would come. They always came. I wrote happy stories where no one cried, and there were no bullies, and people helped one another when things were bad.

I was eight years old when I finally learned that crying was weak and I bottled up all of those feelings until I was alone. I met my new mom’s friend Carlos who enjoyed looking at me and touching me here and there. Most of that I couldn’t remember clearly, but I did remember the white powder on their noses. I wrote more and more stories, revolving around my stuffed animals. They were all friends, and loved one another. That was enough, I decided.

I was nine years old when my teacher discovered one of my stories and brought it to the principal’s attention. She said that it was evidence that I wanted to die. I was brought to the nurse’s office and eventually taken to my doctor. I was asked too many questions, but my mother answered them all for me. I didn’t understand what the word “abuse” meant, but it was said a lot. I was given a prescription for Strattera, which they told me would help me focus and keep me from writing my stupid stories.

I was ten years old when my classmates were all asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. They all wanted to play various sports or be doctors. I knew that none of them would ever do those things, because my mother had always insisted I remain realistic and keep my stupid story fantasies to myself. A doctor costs too much money and has to be really smart, she said. Someone who plays sports has more chance of winning the lottery than being drafted, she said. So when it came my turn to say what I wanted to be when I grew up, I proudly said I wanted to be an author. I was met with laughter from my peers. My teacher frowned at me and asked me to pick something more realistic.

I was twelve years old when I asked my mother for new jeans because my old ones didn’t fit anymore. She told me they were fine, and that clothes cost money. I told her I was being bullied at school because my clothes didn’t fit. I demanded she take me shopping for new clothes, and she chased me up the stairs beating me with a shoe before throwing me across my bedroom and pinning me down, attempting me to force on the jeans that didn’t fit. Not long after, the man I had his from all those years ago threatened to hit me again. I assured him I would go to school with the shortest shorts and the tiniest shirt and tell everyone just where I got my bruises from. They never hit me again, but instead used their words to hurt me in ways that couldn’t be seen. My stories began to start with the main character’s entire family dying.

I was thirteen years old when I learned I wasn’t alone. I met someone, a boy, who was also bullied for being weird. We instantly became friends, and I found I liked him a lot more than I liked the rest of my friends. The merciless bullying continued, but it didn’t matter anymore. I thought to myself that I would never be alone again, until he moved away at the end of the year. I thought that it had been my fault. I thought that maybe if I had said something about how I felt, we would still be friends. I looked at the stars every night and took comfort in the fact that he could see the stars, too. He could be staring up at that very same constellation, and maybe he would think of me. My stories began to feature boys. Handsome ones, kind ones, the kind that my mother had promised didn’t exist. The kind that made you smile when you cried and made the voices in your head stop. The kind you were best friends with since you were little and grew up to marry. That was the love story I wrote over and over.

I was fifteen years old when I was told I was beautiful. I had waited for two years to find my boy, but he had never come, and I hadn’t found him. I was afraid. I said no again and again, but it fell on deaf ears. He persisted. I believed he loved me. I believed the nice things he said and turned a blind eye to the way he touched me, the way he had no respect for my feelings or my body. I believed that, after being told I was unlovable, I had finally found the love story I had searched for.

I was seventeen years old when I found the drugs. I brought pictures to school and fell apart in tears in front of my favorite teacher. He sat and listened to me recount my whole life, and said that the way I had been treated was horrible. I told him I deserved it. He told me there was nothing I could have done to be betrayed by those who were meant to love me, to deserve the treatment I had gotten. He sent me to a social worker, and I told her everything, too. It really seemed that perhaps there would be a happy ending to my story after all. Perhaps heroes were real. But the social worker told me there was nothing they could do to help me, and I was left in my tower, alone. I had an internship at the elementary school where my tears were dismissed and my schoolwork was more important than my suicidal thoughts. I saw the same thing happening to another little girl. I saw the bruises on a little boy’s arms and I heard the children bully each other. All I had to do was care, and the little boy smiled. He wrote stories about his stuffed animals because it made him feel better. All I had to do was care, and the little girl stopped putting pins in her arms. I told her all the things I needed to hear when I was nine years old, and her dark eyes lit up with the hope that things did get better. I thought that perhaps I was the hero.

I was eighteen years old when he left me, angry that I had caught him cheating on me just as my mother had caught my father thirteen years before. He claimed I was controlling, and he tore me down and made me hate myself. I didn’t value myself at all. All I wanted was to die. I thought maybe if I got better, he would love me again. I tricked my mother into taking me to see the doctor, and ended up with a prescription for Prozac. I saw him for what he was, and vowed never to allow that to happen to me again. When my stepfather assaulted my little brother, I called my father as my brother begged me to. I called the police like my father said. My mother was enraged, blaming me and claiming that I didn’t know what the word “abuse” meant. I wasn’t nine years old anymore. She demanded I apologize to my stepfather for calling him abusive, and I refused. I was kicked out of the house, but not before making sure my brother knew I was there for him. Yes, I was the hero.

I was nineteen years old when I lived with my father. I sat on a sum of money and took care of the house and my little brothers while his body died. He preached ignorance to my brothers and called me a dyke when I cut my bangs. I visited my grandparents nearly every other weekend, and saw the way they interacted with one another. Yes, that’s true love. That’s a love story, and it was enough. I went to therapy and talked about the boy I hadn’t seen for seven years. I continued to lay out under the stars, like I had for seven years. I looked up and hoped against hope that he saw the stars too. I hoped he still thought of me. My brothers urged me to search, and I found his mother. I sent her a message on Facebook and nearly threw up from the anxiety. I had responses from her and from my boy in minutes, and began talking to him every day for months. We would stay up until the wee hours of the night talking on Skype and eventually we both admitted we loved each other. I bought a plane ticket without my family knowing and ended up across the country to see my boy. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t looking over my shoulder, afraid of who was lurking there. I saw his family as my own, and desperately wished to have something so wonderful in my life. Everything would fall apart only to be saved at the last moment, just like in the stories I loved. Just before his grandparents left, we got our own home. For the first time in my life, I was home.

I was twenty years old when I began to see cracks in the perfect veneer. My boy was in pain, and my boy had issues, but I promised that I would always be there. I wanted to be there for him, just like I had been for the kids at the elementary school. I wanted to do that for a living. It had become my dream. All of the stars were dimmed and I forgot what it felt like to cry for home when I was scared, because I was already there. I took home for granted, and I took him for granted. I had grown afraid of his issues, and I began to ask people I thought were my friends for help. None of them understood what home meant, or what a love story was to me. I was childish and foolish. Perhaps I was. But when my boy needed me most, I ran away. He destroyed himself and had to go back to where he had been a year before, and I thought I had saved myself.

I am twenty years old. I sit here and tell you that I am not the hero I thought I was. I want so badly to help children, to save them from my own fate. And yet, when faced with someone I care about and love more than anything, I fail. I sit here and I tell you that the love story is real, because I can assure you with absolute certainty that soulmates really do exist. I just gave up on mine, because I was weak and selfish. I promised that I would give up everything, but never him. But that was what I did. I want you to believe that love stories are real, that soulmates are real, that heroes or real. But none of these things were meant for me.

I am twenty years old, and I tore the pages out of my book because I was afraid I wouldn’t like the ending. I gave up on the story, and I have been lost between the lines of words that were never written. There isn’t a way to fix the book, to put it back together. The story was never about a hero, but about a coward. The moral of the story is to never, ever, give up on people that you love, no matter the cost.

I learned that lesson too late. I am twenty years old, and my story is over.

[kihocrystal]

Spring 2018 - Final Impressions

Sorry this post is so late (again)! I had a *really* busy July, which really didn’t help at all. But anyway, here’s my thoughts on the shows that I finished this past season! All but one are sequels, though (and the one non-sequel was a carryover from last season)... Don’t worry, I’ll watch stuff like Megalobox and Hinamatsuri eventually! :’D

All “reviews” are listed in alphabetical order!

Amanchu! Advance - 8.0 / 10 (B-)

I liked season 2 as a whole! (Except for one episode / thing…)

QUEERBAITING SUCKS

I dunno if this is the fault of the anime or the source material…

…but this is still the most blatant example I’ve ever watched >_>

episode 11 didn’t need to happen!!! Why couldn’t Kokoro just… be a girl

or y’know, just let Pikari and Teko continue to “love” each other as they have! OTL

maybe why it annoyed me so much is that it’s like… a total bait & switch that went on for 2 SEASONS

to be fair, the reveal kinda went over my head? But when r/anime pointed it out, that’s when the salt began :/

yet the finale still has them blushing over reading thank you notes? It’s like this show wants its cake & eat it too

at the end of the day, the Kokoro stuff just… got in the way of Teko & Pikari’s interactions, platonic or not >_>

Also I’m one of the few people who actually liked the Peter arc

and it gave Ai some spotlight time!!!

it’s nice to have a little story arc to change things up (as opposed to an episodic structure)

(though I understand why many didn’t care for it… it leans a lot more towards supernatural than usual)

IMO they at least gave precedent w/ that one lucid dreaming episode w/ Teko, though

AND THERE’S ACTUAL SCUBA DIVING THIS TIME \o/

the underwater moments can be very magical… definitely the visual highlight

And the cast of characters is still enjoyable to watch too~ (def. a good group dynamic there)

Kokoro is considered a polarizing character for sure

I didn’t mind him that much until, y’know… his gender reveal led to the queer-baiting thing >_>

The finale was really nice though! It had pretty diving scenes and had cute Teko & Pikari moments~

In any case, this is still a very relaxing and heartwarming anime~

It has all the things I enjoyed about S1 here; it’s just the things added on top were a mixed-bag

Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card - 8.0 / 10 (B)

EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW IS BEING VAGUE AS SHIT

But at least the mystery is interesting!

It’s just too bad it took like… 20 episodes to start getting any kind of explanation :’)

I actually watched the original series through a r/anime rewatch at the end of last year!

(meaning there wasn’t much time for me going from that series to this sequel)

I enjoyed the callbacks to the original series as well!

(including going from *anime* canon! i.e. the 2nd movie actually being canon)

The visuals look nice! Even though it almost looks a bit… *too* rounded in comparison to the original

I enjoyed watching Sakura capture all the new cards in different ways~

Even though this season was VERY light on plot (mostly), this aspect provided the action~

Also I enjoyed watching the character interactions too ^^

But yeah… the lack of overarching plot development and VAGUENESS kinda holds this season back

that being said, the final episodes set up some potentially interesting developments to come

and the finale itself *definitely* was not a conclusive one, so S2 better be confirmed soon!

Overall, I still enjoyed this continuation for the things it did right! I’ll be looking forward to a S2~

Darling in the FranXX - 8.0 / 10 (B)

Well this is/was a… polarizing show, to say the least.

I enjoyed it overall, but certain things about it hold it back from a higher score for me.

There’s two main elephants in the room with this series, really

#1 is… the heteronormativity

this was basically from the get-go, and in the roots of the story / themes itself

since the themes revolve around male/female partnerships & the importance of that… Yeah

one of the core quotes being “a female and a male aren’t complete w/o the other” …Yeah, again

also the sex-like positions of the “stamen” and “pistil” while piloting also doesn’t help

the workings of this world’s society has hetero relationships as the standard and doesn’t really allow for other options

(i.e. the FranXX piloting, Ikuno’s female attraction not working out in both operating the mech & her feelings for Ichigo, etc.)

at least Ikuno and Ichigo got a scene to talk about their attraction feelings & make up somewhat ^^

plus the Nines are basically gender non-binary but are seen as antagonistic forces for most of the show… Yeah

and just basic hetero things (like sex & pregnancy) were like being attacked in this show (when it’s not in real life???)

there’s an image meme that’s like “no, Prime Minister Abe… this will not get people to have babies” (…agreed :’D)

sure, there are *many* ways you can interpret this show, but the fact that so many people have seen it as such is Not Good

#2 is… the show supposedly “jumping the shark” towards the end

the main culprit of this (for many people) seems to be the “suddenly aliens!” reveal in episode ~20

this didn’t really impact my enjoyment of the show at all, but I definitely understand why people would be disappointed

in a way, it does kinda shift the story away from the themes it was using prior to this…

perhaps the lack of foreshadowing was another reason the shift in plot didn’t go well

plus it tends to directly riff off of certain visual cues from other mecha (like Eva & Gurren Lagaan)

Those two main gripes aside, the directing & visuals in this show were what kept me interested throughout

music choices, visual choices, etc. just really made certain moments better than they probably should’ve been

I enjoyed the characters as a group as well (even if most of them individually weren’t anything to write home about)

Goro’s a good bro, Ichigo went through good development, Kokoro & Mitsuru developed as a good pair…

Futoshi ended up being kind of a fat joke to the end though (& it was interesting that him & Kokoro didn’t end up together)

of course, Zero Two is the one everyone loved (& I liked her & Hiro’s dynamic as well)

sure, some people felt like she had “no personality” after she realized the truth about Hiro, but I didn’t mind the change

Plus I like that this show had a… pretty good ending, actually! (All things considered)

Directing as always was on point, and we got to see everyone’s lives over time (& Hiro + Zero Two eventually re-uniting as kids)

I just wish the main group got to see the two of them again :’)

though I do wish VIRM actually got full-on destroyed instead of a “we might come back” ending :/

and the ending was also kinda like “oh yeah, all the Children sent away didn’t actually die!” ???

This show will likely have a legacy not unlike Guilty Crown going forward, but I thought it ended better than that show, for the record

But yeah, this show is far from perfect and has questionable themes. But I still enjoyed it over all for the things it did well~’

Nanatsu no Taizai S2 - 8.0 / 10 (B-)

Unfortunately, not as good as S1 (but I still enjoyed this season overall)

S1 felt like its own self-contained story, but this season is clearly a “Part 1” for things to come

I wish Diana had more to do this season… she lost her memory early on and STILL doesn’t have it back

she was out of the main conflict (& separated from the group) for most of it :/

she also had these WEIRD ANGLES & POSES all the time… the fan service w/ her was *Really* distracting

the only consolation is that we got to learn some backstory for her & meet her fellow giants

oh well, at least she’s met up with King again and is enjoying his company by the end :)

The Gowther twist is interesting, but the way they revealed it was kinda… underwhelming

plus that *also* hasn’t been resolved yet (like many other things this season)

Some good moments this season were centered around Ban

such as his relationship w/ Jericho, time w/ a resurrected Elaine, and the small arc w/ his foster dad :’)

Also the final Sin got introduced w/ Escanor! PRAISE THE SUN

he’s a fun character; skittish by night and INVINCIBLE by day

The addition of power levels was kinda weird

it wasn’t necessary in S1, so why add it now???

The training arc gave us a full flashback to Melodias’ past w/ losing Liza, which was nice (and sad ;~; )

plus the vs. 10 Commandments fight actually showed Melodias full-on dying? That doesn’t happen much

it was a brutal death too! Hard to watch ;~;

plus they even changed the OP animation to reflect that he died… now that’s commitment

of course he came back later on, but there’s a catch… (since he loses some emotions every time)

There were some good fights, mostly during the “tournament” arc

(especially Melodias vs. all commandments… a sakuga highlight for sure)

The finale had a good stopping point, but it definitely makes clear that the story’s not over

so yeah, unlike season 1, this season *needs* a season 3 to be worth the watch

So yeah, there were some good moments & fights this season, but as a whole, it’s weaker than S1

Shokugeki no Souma S3 (Part 2) - 8.5 / 10 (B+)

I enjoyed this season! Continuing on the darker tone that the first half of S3 set up

This plot line of Central taking over the school is still my favorite plot point thus far, tbh

in other words, shit is finally going down!

…even if many of Central are just mustache-twirling villains :’D

Erina’s gotten great development from this arc too…! She’s not just a typical stuck-up tsundere anymore

her backstory is definitely a harsh one. It was great seeing her gain the courage to stick up to dad!

We also learned more about Souma’s dad! :O

Especially about how he was seen as feared, and the pressure of success got to him :’(

along with how this backstory tied into Asami’s motivations as well

Most of the season was kinda a gauntlet of opponents for the “resistance” to face off against

seeing Akira turn evil (for a bit) was interesting, but it’s a good thing he turned good again~

we oddly haven’t seen a lot of the Elite Ten in cooking action yet???

The final part of the season started off the big Team Shokugeki! …but it only got through the first round

the stakes are definitely high for this one, and also seems like the big conflict of this arc for sure

it’s just, y’know… the season ending in the middle is not a good look, really

at least the ending wasn’t abrupt; it was open-ended but still had a sense of conclusion

All in all, a good second half of season 3 (with some of my favorite plot content thus far!). Keep it up!

[lumalaya]

summer films ‘18

hi there! to clarify, this is a log of films i’ve seen this summer, not exactly films set in the summer, so if you’re here for that, i’m sorry?

anyway, here we go!

1. kasal (2018) / dir. ruel s. bayani ♡ 180525 ♡ girl is engaged to the son of cebu’s current mayor who is currently preparing for elections, but her ex comes back and tries to win her back ♡ cliche, i know, but trust me, this movie deals with this plotline in a very interesting way ♡ and come on, it’s bea alonzo and paulo avelino, two icons 2. high school musical (2006) / dir. kenny ortega ♡ 180614 ♡ iconic, i love troy bolton, thanks for reminding me ♡ i know sharpay isn’t that bad but she’s still a bully lol ♡ the choreography for when there was me and you got me dying i love it ♡  fave song: stick to the status quo 3. high school musical 2 (2007) / dir. kenny ortega ♡ 180622 ♡ my least favorite in the trilogy ♡ there was so much unnecessary drama they should’ve cut troy some slack ♡ i hate chad danforth, that’s all ♡ fave song: you are the music in me 4. high school musical 3: senior year (2008) / dir. kenny ortega ♡ 180622 ♡ my favorite in the trilogy! ♡ i still hate chad tho lol but i love taylor so much she’s my favorite character! ♡ i wish they elaborated more on gabriella though, because i like to imagine an alternate ending where she declines stanford and stays in albuquerque for another year which disappoints everyone and puts a strain on her relationship with troy. that would’ve been so interesting! ♡ fave song: i love all of them, but if i had to choose, the boys are back 5. kimmy dora 2: the temple of kiyeme (2009) / dir. joyce bernal ♡ 180626 ♡ the only reason i watched this was because i had a terrible pimple on my forehead and it reminded me of some horror movie then i realized it was this so i had to look for the particular scene ♡ the movie was really bad, as expected ♡ but i absolutely love eugene domingo!! she’s so talented i really admire her as an actress

6. before sunrise (1995) / dir. richard linklater ♡ 180630 ♡ this was the day my internet ultimately stopped working (for four days, if i may add) so i thought hey why not start that movie marathon i’ve been meaning to do ♡ i was excited to watch this because it’s a known pop culture reference, and also because it’s seulgi’s favorite movie ♡ it’s unique! it’s not easy to film a story that revolves around two people who’ve just met walking around in a city neither of them knows ♡ i liked this movie but it wasn’t that spectacular or anything, i think it lacks emotion and excitement ♡ but please, do not get off a train in europe with someone you’ve just met that is dangerous 

7. before sunset (2004) / dir. richard linklater ♡ 180630 ♡  i knew nothing about this so i was actually surprised to see the same actors nine years after before sunrise’s release ♡ i like this better than the first one! céline shows the emotions i was looking for ♡ it’s much simpler and easier to follow because it really is just them walking around and talking to continue the story because of the short amount of time they have together 

8. before midnight (2013) / dir. richard linklater ♡ 180630 ♡ this movie is the reason i watched the series! it was mentioned in it’s okay, that’s love so i thought i needed to watch this, and honestly, it helped me understand the characters from iotl a bit better! ♡ it ended up being my favorite film of the three ♡ it’s more complex than the first two because it introduces more characters and is set in more locations ♡ after years of watching and reading romcoms, this made me believe in love 

9. gone girl (2014) / dir. david fincher ♡ 180701 ♡ i knew nothing about this film except that there was a girl and she was missing and the plot is unexpected? ♡ i won’t say much on this because it’s amazing when you watch it without knowing anything ♡ but it is CRAZY it hecked me up so much wow ♡ will try reading the book when i can!! 10. the grand budapest hotel (2014) / dir. wes anderson ♡ 180701 ♡ my first wes anderson film (finally) ♡ bored me at first because sadly, i can’t relate to rich european men who live in hotels and have sex with elderly women ♡ but it is so much more than that! it’s funny and deals with loyalty, the war, and crap immigrants go through ♡ yes, the cinematography is unique and beautiful, but i couldn’t appreciate it much from years of seeing wes anderson stills on my social media ♡ i went into this without knowing anything about it, but i wish i’d watched the trailer beforehand because that would’ve helped me appreciate it more 11. the fault in our stars (2014) / dir. josh boone ♡ 180702 ♡ i was bored and looking through my sister’s hard drive and i thought hey why not watch sad western teen books-turned-movies i used to glorify years ago ♡ it was alright but knowing every line, song, facial expression that would come next made it worse ♡ john green’s cameo is so awkward it’s almost funny ♡ i hope i never meet an augustus waters in my life 12. if i stay (2014) / dir. r.j. cutler ♡ 180703 ♡ part 2 of sad western teen books-turned-movies i used to glorify ♡ the story is pretty good but the film itself isn’t as good as i remembered ♡ i’m still so in love with jamie blackley after four years he’s so handsome and his voice is beautiful ♡ chloe moretz’s acting is really awkward though it’s almost painful to watch ♡ it made me want to reread the sequel where she went though! 13. she’s dating the gangster (2014) / dir. cathy garcia-molina ♡ 180705 ♡ i started this with an open mind and some expectations because although i hated on it for no reason years ago, i wanted to give it a chance ♡ but i’m sorry it really is bad ♡ kenji delos reyes is manipulative and selfish i hope i never meet a guy like him 14. grave of the fireflies (1988) / dir. isao takahata ♡ 180706 ♡ two siblings in the middle of a war ♡ watched this because a friend wanted to rabbit with me! ♡ i haven’t seen a ghibli film in a while so this was refreshing ♡ really sad though :( 15. 10 things i hate about you (1999) / dir. gil hunger ♡ 180706 ♡ guy is paid to date girl lol ♡ julia stiles is so beautiful :( i love her ♡ pretty funny actually! ♡ also watched this because friends wanted to rabbit with me :> 16. i’m drunk, i love you (2017) / dir. jp habac ♡ 180707 ♡ i finally, finally watched this ♡ not gonna lie it disappointed me? so many people loved it but for me it was eh ♡ paulo avelino’s character was pretty lacking for me, i wish they’d elaborated more on him ♡ but i liked the group dynamic because they’re not the wholesome, fake happy kind of friends, seeing them interact made me feel like they’re people i really know in real life (which made me miss my own friends) ♡ even jasmine’s character felt real because she’s probably someone i’d know HAHA ♡ fun fact: i’ve listened to the song lloydy long before watching this because i mean? a song about john lloyd? sign me up 17. that thing called tadhana (2014) / dir. antoinette jadaone ♡ 180708 ♡ another film i finally watched after multiple pop culture references ♡ i actually kinda liked it! it literally has a spiel about john lloyd of course i do but it gets better when the main characters become comfortable with each other ♡ i find it interesting that the director also directed love you to the stars and back which is another film that revolves around two people, both dealing with stuff, who’d just met and decide to go on a journey together ♡ the characters also feel pretty realistic/relatable once you get to know them 18. the spectacular now (2013) / dir. james ponsoldt ♡ 180709 ♡ part 3 of sad western teen books-turned-movies i used to glorify ♡ the only reason i rewatched this was because it was the shortest of the films i had at the time and i needed something to pass the time while loading episodes of svt club ♡ i mean it’s okay? not bad not good and i don’t even like miles teller ♡ shailene woodley perfectly plays the part of the awkward oblivious girl (and that’s not a compliment) 19. the breakup playlist (2015) / dir. dan villegas ♡ 180716 ♡ this film was so refreshing to watch?? sarah portrayed a youthful musician just starting out so so well i love her so much what a great first sarah g movie for me ♡ piolo made me fall in love with him and later on hate him, as he should ♡ i love opm kaya seeing the gig scene, some actual artists like ebe dancel, and looots of covers of songs like wag na wag mong sasabihin by kitchie nadal and with a smile by eraserheads ♡ i understand now why people love paano bang magmahal HAHAHA 20. barcelona: a love untold (2016) / dir. olivia lamasan ♡ 180717 ♡ alright so remember how i absolutely hated sdtg? ♡ I LOVED THIS FILM SO. MUCH. ♡ kathniel matured a lot in two years and i think they were perfect for this!! they really showed certain struggles of young adults and did not disappoint ♡ it also shows filipino values for family, utang ng loob, ofw struggles, etc ♡ and of course the cinematography is beautiful HUHU i mean it’s barcelona!! 21. my annoying brother (2016) / dir. kwon soo-kyung ♡ 180721 ♡ honestly took me a bit to get into it  ♡ i expected it to be funny and although it did make me laugh a lot why were there tears :((( ♡ kyungsoo is so, so, so talented i admire him so much as an actor now ♡ really hits you in the feels! a really beautiful story about two brothers 22. so i married an anti-fan (2016) / dir. kim jae-young ♡ 180724 ♡ meh ♡ it took some getting used to seeing chanyeol being all snobbish and cool instead of his usual loud happy self ♡ of course it’s overdramatic for the comedy, but the hate-turned-love isn’t even that good lol it’s just unreasonable but whatever ♡ the lead girl reminds me of arci munoz HAHA 23. wonder (2017) / dir. stephen chbosky ♡ 180725 ♡ we watched this during my summer program and i was actually pretty excited because i remember loving the book! ♡ this honestly teaches you a lot not even just from the perspective of children but also as teenagers, parents, friends, etc ♡ i thoroughly enjoyed it!

[nedraggett]

Run ragged

It didn’t work.  And while I wasn’t surprised by that, I did want to tease out why, at least for myself.

I honestly was openly skeptical of Blade Runner 2049 for a while, so I can’t hide my bias there.  I wasn’t totally ‘salt the earth and never mention it again’ then and am certainly not saying that now.  But each new trailer left me feeling more ‘uh...really?’ and the explosion of immediate praise from many critics even more so.  I wasn’t contrarian, and neither did I think groupthink was at work, but I suspected a massive wish fulfillment was. 

So I generally avoided reactions after that and figured I’d wait for things to die down a bit -- even more quickly than I might have guessed, seeing its swiftly collapsing commercial performance over here. My Sunday early afternoon showing near here was about maybe 2/3 full on its third weekend, so it’s found an audience, but I’m in San Francisco -- I expected an audience there. Enough friends have posted theater shots where they were the only person in the room to know this is dying off as an across the board thing, and never probably was.

I’m not glad it failed, but I’m not surprised -- in fact, being more blunt, I think it deserved not to be a hit.  The key reason for me played itself out over its length -- it was boring.  It’s a very boring movie.  It’s not a successful movie except in intermittent moments.  

That said, of course not everyone agreed (I’ll recommend as an indirect counterpoint to my thoughts this piece by my friend Matt, which went up earlier today). And boredom is not the sole reason for me to crucify it -- there were a variety of things one can address.  I’ll note two at the start since they could be and in a couple of cases I’ve seen were particular breaking points for others:

* The sexual politics of the movie, however much meant to be in line with the original scenario as playing out a certain logic, were often at least confused or hesitant within a male gaze context, at most lazily vile beyond any (often flatly obvious) point-making.  I often got a mental sense of excuses that could be offered along the lines of ‘well...you know, it’s supposed to be like that in this world, it’s a commentary!,’ which is often what I’ve seen in positive criticism of, say, Game of Thrones. Maybe. That said: not that any sort of timing played into it, but the fact that Harvey Weinstein’s downfall began two days before release, and the resulting across-board exposure and on-the-record testimonials from many women against far too many men, couldn’t really be escaped.  Further, since the fallout was first felt, after all, in the film industry, seeing any film, new or old, through the lens of what’s acceptable and who gets through what hoops -- and who is broken by the experience -- is always important.  It’s not for nothing to note that the original film’s female lead Sean Young got shunted into the ‘she’s crazy’/’too much trouble’ file in later years where male actors might perhaps find redemption; the fact that she played a small part in the new film made me think a bit more on her fate than that of her character’s.  (Another point I saw a few women brought up as well -- having a key to the whole story be pregnancy and childbirth as opposed to infertility wasn’t warmly received.)

* It’s a very...white future. Not exclusively, certainly. But people of color barely get a look in, a quick scene here, a cameo there. A black female friend of mine just this morning said this over on FB about the one African American actor whose character got the most lines, saying: 

to have the only significant black character be this awful, creepy man who seemed to be an "overseer" type to the children, was really uncomfortable and another perfect example of scifi using an 'other' narratives or american slave narrative but within a white context. We all know what it's supposed to represent and so it's just straight up lazy writing at the end of the day and exploitative.

Meantime, another sharp series of comments elsewhere revolved around how a film perhaps even more obviously drenched than the original in an amalgamated East Asian imaginary setting for the Los Angeles sequences barely showcased anyone from such a background. Dave Bautista certainly makes an impact at the start, but after that? The fact that I can think of three speaking roles for actors of that (wide) background in the original, as in actually having an exchange with a lead character, and only one in this one, maybe two if you count the random shouting woman in K’s apartment building, is more than a little off.  Add in a ‘Los Angeles,’ or a wider SoCal if you like, that aside from Edward James Olmos’s short cameo apparently has nobody of Mexican background, let alone Central American, in it, and you gotta wonder.  My personal ‘oh really’ favorite was the one official sign that was written in English and, I believe, Sanskrit.  Great visual idea; can’t say I saw anyone of South Asian descent either.

Both these very wide issues, of course, tie in with the business and the society we’re all in -- but that’s no excuse. And there are plenty of other things I could delve into even more, not least my irritation over the generally flatly-framed dialogue shots in small offices that tended to undercut the grander vistas, or how the fact that Gosling’s character finding the horse carving had been telegraphed so far in advance that it was resolutely unremarkable despite all the loud music, etc. My key point remains: boring.  A sometimes beautifully shot and visually/sonically striking really dull, draggy, boring film.

The fair question though is why I think that.  A friend in response to that complaint as echoed by others joked what we would make of Bela Tarr films, to which I replied that I own and enjoy watching Tarkovsky movies. Slow pace and long shots aren’t attention killers for me per se; if something is gripping, it will be just that, and justify my attention. Meanwhile, the original film famously got dumped on for also being slow, boring, etc at the time, and plenty can still feel that way about it. Blade Runner’s reputation is now frightfully overburdened and certainly I’ve contributed to it mentally if not through formal written work; it succeeds but is a flawed creation, and strictly speaking the two big complaints I’ve outlined above apply to the predecessor as much as the current film, it’s just a matter of degrees otherwise. But if you told me I had to sit down and watch it, I’d be happy to. Tell me to do the same with this one, I would immediately ask for the ability to skip scenes.

I’ve turned it all over in my head and these are three elements where things fell apart for me, caused me to be disengaged -- not in any specific order, but I’m going to build outward a bit, from the specific to the general, and with specific contrast between the earlier film and the new one.  These discontinuities aren’t the sole faults, but they’re the ones I’ve been thinking about the most.

First: it’s worth noting that the new film brings in a lot of specific cultural elements beyond the famed advertising and signs. Nabokov’s Pale Fire is specifically singled out both as a visual cue and as an element in K’s two police station evaluations, for instance. Meanwhile, musically, I didn’t quite catch what song it was Joi was telling K about early in the film but a check later means it must have been Sinatra’s “Summer Wind,” featured on the soundtrack.  Sinatra himself of course shows up later as a small holographic performance in Vegas, specifically of “One For My Baby,” while prior to that K and Deckard fight it out while larger holographic displays of older Vegas style revues and featured performers appear glitchily -- showgirls, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis in his later pomp, Liberace complete with candleabra. All of this makes a certain sense and on the one hand I don’t object to it.

But on the other I do.  Something about all that rubbed me the wrong way and I honestly wasn’t sure why -- the Nabokov bit as well, even the quick Treasure Island moment between Deckard and K when they first talk to each other. The answer I think lies with the original film. It’s not devoid of references either, but note how two of the most famous are used:

* When Rutger Hauer’s Roy Batty introduces himself to James Hong’s Hannibal Chew, he does so with a modified quote from William Blake’s America: A Prophecy. (This fuller discussion of that quote and how it was changed from the original is worth a read; it’s also worth noting that Hauer brought it to the table, and wasn’t planned otherwise.) But he doesn’t do so by spelling out to the audience, much less Chew, that it is Blake at all.  You either have to know it or you don’t. If, say, we saw Batty clearly holding a copy of the book -- or maybe more intriguing, a copy in Deckard’s apartment -- then that would be one thing...but it becomes a bit more ‘DO YOU SEE?’ as a result. Clunkier, a bit like how Pale Fire worked in the new film.

* Even in the original soundtrack’s compromised/rerecorded form, I always loved the one formally conventional song on the original soundtrack, “One More Kiss, Dear.” I just assumed as I did back in the mid to late 80s, when I first saw the film and heard its music, that it was a random oldie from somewhere mid-century repurposed, a bit of mood-setting. It is...but it isn’t.  It’s strictly pastiche, a creation of Vangelis himself in collaboration with Peter Skellern, an English singer-songwriter who had a thriving career in his home country. It just seemed real enough, with scratchy fidelity, a piano-bar sad elegance -- which was precisely the point. You couldn’t pin it down to anything, it wasn’t a specifically recognizable element. It wasn’t Elvis, or Liberace, or Sinatra. 

This careful hiding of concrete details -- even when the original film showcased other clear, concrete details of ‘our’ world culturally, but culturally via economics and ads -- is heavily to the original’s benefit, I’d argue.  There’s a certain trapped-in-baby-boomerland context of the elements in the new film that, perversely, almost feels too concrete, or forced is maybe a better word. It’s perverse because on the one hand it makes a clear sense, but on the other hand, by not being as tied to explicitly cultural identifiers -- whether ‘high’ literature or rough and ready ‘pop’ or whatever one would like to say -- the original film feels that much more intriguingly odd, dreamlike even. I would tease this out further if I could, but it quietly nags -- perhaps the best way I could describe it is this: by not knowing what, in general, the characters, ‘human’ or not, read, listen to, watch in the original, what everyone enjoys -- if they do -- becomes an unspoken mystery. Think about how we here now talk about what we read, listen to, watch as forms of connection with others; think about how the crowd scenes in the originals feature people all on their own trips or in groups or whatever without knowing what they might know. We know Deckard likes piano, sure, but that suggests something, it doesn’t limit it.  We know K likes Nabokov and Sinatra -- and that tells us something.  And it limits it.

My second big point would also have to do with limits versus possibilities, and hopefully is more easily explained.  Both films are of course amalgams, reflections of larger elements in the culture as well as within a specific culture of film. The first film is even more famously an amalgam of ‘film noir’ as broadly conceived, both in terms of actual Hollywood product and the homages and conceptions and projections of the term backwards and forwards into even more work. It is the point of familiar reference for an audience that at the time was a couple of decades removed from its perceived heyday, but common enough that it was the key hook in -- the weary detective called back for one last job, the corrupt policeman, the scheming businessman, the femme fatale, etc. etc. Set against the fantastic elements, it was the bedrock, the hook, and of course it could be and was repurposed from there, in its creation and in its reception. 

2049 is not a film noir amalgam.  Instead, it’s very clearly -- too clearly -- an amalgam of exactly the wrong place it should have gotten any influence from. By that I don’t mean the original film -- above and beyond the clear story connections, its impact was expected to be inescapable and as it turns out it was inescapable.  Instead it’s an amalgam of what followed in the original’s wake -- the idea of dystopia-as-genre -- and that’s poisonous.

Off the top of my head: Children of Men. The Matrix. Brazil. Her. Battlestar Galactica, the 2000s reboot. A bit of The Hunger Games, I’d say. A bit of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (not a direct descendant of the original at all, of course -- George Miller always had his own vibe going -- but I caught an echo still). The Walking Dead. A fleck of The Fifth Element. Demolition Man, even, if we want to go ‘low’ art.  But also so many of the knockoffs and revamps and churn. There could be elements, there could be explicit references, there could be just a certain miasma of feeling.  But this all fed into this film, and made it...just less interesting to me. 

Again, the first film is no less beholden to types and forebears.  But the palette wasn’t sf per se, it was something else, then transposed and heightened and made even uneasier due to what it was.  2049 has to not only chase down its predecessor, it has to live with what its predecessor created.  But did it have to take all that into itself as well? It becomes a wink and a nod over and again, and a tiring one, a smaller palette, a feeding on itself. And it’s very frustrating as a result, and whatever spell was in the film kept being constantly rebroken, and the scenes kept dragging on.

This all fed into the third and final point for me -- the key element, the thing that makes the original not ‘just’ noir, the stroke of genius from Philip K Dick turned into tangible creations: the replicants, and the question of what it is to be human. Humanity itself has assayed this question time and time over -- let’s use Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein as a start if we must for the modern era, it’s as good as any. We as a species -- if we individual members can afford the time and reflection at least -- seem to enjoy questions of what makes us ‘us,’ and what we are and what we have in this universe.  This much is axiomatic, so take that as read.

The replicants in the original film -- famously thought of differently by Dick and Ridley Scott, to the former’s bemusement when they met and talked for their only meeting before the latter’s death -- set up questions in that universe that are grappled with as they are by the characters in different ways. Between humans, between replicants, between each other, lines always slipping and shading. Their existences are celebrated, questioned, protested against. But we don’t live in these conversations for the most part, we tend to experience the characters instead; it’s often what’s unsaid that has the greatest impact. And if the idea of a successful story-teller is to show rather than tell, then I would argue that, again, flawed as it can be, the original film succeeds there be only telling just enough, and letting the viewer be immersed otherwise. (Thus of course the famous after the fact narration in the original release insisted upon by the studio, and removed from later cuts to Scott’s thorough relief.)

By default, that level of quiet...I would almost call it ‘awe’...in the original can’t be repeated with the same impact. The bell cannot be unrung, but that’s not crippling. What was crippling was how, again, bored I was with the plight of the characters in 2049. How unengaged in their concerns I generally was. One key exception aside, I never bought K’s particular angst outside of plot-driven functionality, and frankly they often felt like manikins all the way down from there. Robin Wright’s police chief had some great line deliveries but the lines were most often banal generalities that sounded ridiculous. Jared Leto’s corporate overlord, good god, don’t ask. As for Joi and Luv, Ana de Armas and Sylvia Hoeks did their best, and yet the characters felt...functional.  Which given the characters as such would seem to be appropriate, but their fates were functional too. Of course one would do that, of course the other would do that, of course one would die the one way, of course the other would die that way, and...fine. Shrug. 

So, then, Deckard? Honestly Harrison Ford had the best part in the film and while I found him maybe a bit more garrulous than I would have expected from the character, he did paranoid, wounded and withdrawn pretty damn well. Not to mention comedy -- the dog and whisky combo can’t be beat, and it’s worth remembering his nebbishy ‘undercover’ turn in the original -- and, in the Rachel scene, an actual sense of pathos and outrage. I bought him pretty easily, and it made everyone else seem pretty shallow. When K learns about the underground replicant resistance and all, the bit about everyone hopes they are the one was nice enough, but the rest of it, clearly meant to be a ‘big moment,’ was...again, dull, per my second point about the limited palette. A whole lot of telling, not much showing, and such was the case throughout. It was honestly a bit shocking -- but also very clear -- to myself when I realized how little I cared about humans or replicants or any of it at all towards the end. It all felt pat and played out, increasingly unfascinating, philosophy that was rote. It could just be me, of course -- maybe this is an issue where the stand-ins of replicants versus realities of robots and AI, along with the cruelties we’re happy to inflict on each other, means the stand-ins simply don’t have much of an imaginative or intellectual grip now.

Still, though, I’ll give the film one full scene, without Ford. As part of his work, and to answer the questions in his own head, K visits Ana Stelline, a designer of replicant memories. This, more than anything else in the film outside of certain design and musical elements, felt like the original, or something that could be there. It introduced a wholly new facet -- how are memories created for replicants? -- while extending the idea that instead of one sole creator of replicants there are multiple parts makers with their specialized fields in an unexplained (and unnecessary to be explained) economy. Stelline’s literal isolation allows for space and the limits of communication to be played out in a way that makes satisfying artistic sense, and Carla Juri plays her well. It builds up to an emotional moment that sends K into an explosive overdrive that is actually earned, and Juri’s own reaction of awe and horror is equally good.  But -- even better -- the scene ends up taking a wholly new cast later in the film, when more information reveals what was actually at play, and what K didn’t know at the time, and makes the final scene a good one to end on in turn (and by that I mean back in her office, specifically).

The problem though remains -- one scene can’t make a film. One can argue that it’s better to reach and fail than not at all, but it’s also easily argued that one gets far more frustrated with something that could have worked but didn’t. I don’t think an edit for time would have fixed the film but it would have made it less of a slog while not sacrificing those visual/sonic elements that did work; it still would leave a lot of these points I’ve raised standing, but it would have gone down a little more smoothly, at least. But sometimes you’re just bored in a theater, waiting for something to end.

[cryptid-crusader]

Alright here it is. The Outlast 2 rant nobody asked for. There are spoilers, if you care to read. Also, a lot of mention of sexual/child abuse, so if that really gets you please don’t read (and also don’t play the game).

Alright, so I finished Outlast 2 yesterday and I’m just really... disappointed. 

I feel like I should say this beforehand, I didn’t hate the game. I just really love Outlast 1, and was expecting the same quality scares and story from this game. But, you know how that goes.

Let’s start.

The game in it’s entirely relied FAR to heavily on shock imagery. Like, waaaaaaay too much. To the point where 90% of the game wasn’t even all that scary, it was just disgusting or made you very uncomfortable. Now, I’m not saying shock imagery in horror games is bad, hell, Outlast 1 had plenty of that, it’s just when your game is basically entirely like that... Surprise, it becomes very un-shocking and not so much scary as just really uncomfortable. :/ The first time you see a pile of dead babies, it’s intense and unsettling, scary even. So is the next time. But the next? And the next? And then you have to read about all the baby murder, and here people talk about the baby murder... It just gets worn out.

A vast majority of the game I just felt... Gross... Or felt really sad for the people in the game. Rape and disturbing sexual themes is a HUGE part of this game, which brings me to my next complaint. It is just. Too. Much. All the women in the town are basically getting horribly sexually assaulted. You see it. You read it. You hear it. You experience it everywhere in the game. Blake, the character you play as, even gets raped at a point in game, and though it’s brief, you still have to go through it. And then to top it all of, you experience it through a child. Though you don’t see or hear that part happening, you know it’s going to, and the whole time you feel just fucking awful and nasty (at least I did). Is that horror? Yes, but not necessarily something that should be in a horror game, especially in such large fucking doses. It is so unnecessary, and again, more than being “scary” just left me feeling all around bad, gross, and uncomfortable.

Another thing that really pissed me off was the character Papa Knopf, who was a dreadful sack of shit cult leader and main villain of the game. You really fucking hated this guy, and in that sense, he was a good villain. Throughout the whole game you get hounded, mutilated, attacked, and nearly killed countless times by this dudes people, and you see all the fucked up horrible things he does to everyone in this town (you know, all the RAPE AND BABY MURDER THAT IS FUCKING ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE). Like, this fucking dude is sexually assaulting all the women in the village, giving them syphilis (which they then give to their husbands) and then throwing them deep in the mountains to suffer and die horribly because what is happening is not his fault, it’s a “sign from God” that God wants them to suffer (while Knopf himself gets medicine from the outside world, something he strictly bans). So, he’s the fucking worst, and I really looked forward to a Walrider type scene with Chris Walker, where he just get’s fucking ripped apart... but it doesn’t happen. In the end, he just slits his neck and ends his own life. It’s frustrating, and very unsatisfying.

The game revolves around a biblical theme, and I honestly did enjoy near the end when all the bible-foretold-Armageddon type events were happening, I thought that was really cool. What I didn’t like was how easily it was to miss huge chunks of the story because they are scattered on notes that are in the most random af places. Outlast 1 did the same sort of thing with files, but all the files were in pretty easy to find areas, and a vast majority (if not all of them) were in locations you could gather them without being hunted at some point, so you had a chance of getting the whole story. Not in Outlast 2. I mainly bring this up because I didn’t end up picking up an important note detailing that that big ass tower that none of the people in the village knew what it was or where it came from, was sending out signals fucking everyone’s brains up and that it was a Murkoff owned building. I put two and two together about it being owned by Murkoff, but I had no clue that is messed with peoples minds. I just figured Blake finally lost it because of all the fucked up shit he was seeing. But it definitely helps explain why their chopper crashed, all the people in the town are so messed up, and the fact he was experiencing biblical atrocities. The fact that I missed it so easily is just kind of bad design (and I am someone who thoroughly inspects every nook and cranny in games).

And that brings me to the ending of the game. Now, I know they wanted to leave things “open ended” so people could come to their own assumptions, but there is leaving things open ended and then just not fucking explaining things, which is what outlast 2 did. There is a big discussion over Lynn’s baby, and her quote as she is dying saying “there is nothing there”. A lot of people think she was referring to heaven and hell not existing, which I can get on board with, except for that fact that the whole game really nails in the whole biblical stuff (lol Jesus joke), and if all these crazy occurrences can happen (Lynn having immaculate conception being one of them), then I feel like it makes more sense to just have the baby not exist, have it be the thing that isn’t there (at least that’s how I see it). But the point is this, it’s just kind of lackluster after all the shit you just fucking suffered through. Does this baby exist? If it does, then how could Lynn get pregnant and give birth so quickly without it being a miracle from god, and then saying there is no god? And if it doesn’t exist and everyone is all crazy and hallucinating from the ~evil tower rays~ (which is what I feel) then nothing is really accomplished. I mean, nothing is really accomplished anyway because Blake dies (I guess) a few minutes later, along with everyone in the town. In a flash of bright light. That’s it. The end. It was incredibly anticlimactic.

But as stated above, I didn’t hate it. In fact some parts I really liked. I felt overall the mechanics were better. I liked how filming stuff was actually important and not to just to mainly use your camera to see in the dark (though I have to admit, filming some of the stuff was kind of tedious, or a pain to capture). And while overall I felt the Outlast 1 villains and chase sequences were much more horrifying and legitimately scary, Outlast 2 had it’s fair share of terrifying moments. My favorites being Val’s heretics (the ones without eyes and all the twigs on their heads). Though their noises got a little obnoxious, they were pretty damn horrifying and spooked me pretty bad. I also like Marta a lot. She played the Chris Walker type role, in that she was a constant threat following you throughout the game. Walker as a whole was a better villain in my opinion, but Marta just looked so damn cool. The first time you see her, impossibly tall, stalking from the shadows? Badass and truly terrifying. I also really loved the school scenes. They did a good job of keeping me guessing with Jessica’s story, and the atmosphere of the school was chilling and unsettling. The monster in the school was really rad too.

Alright here is the TLDR:

So, overall, Outlast 1 is much better. Scarier, more consistent and has a more quality story, better villains/chase sequences, and just all around much scarier. I think I probably speak for a lot of people when I say that I wish 2 tied in more to 1, but it it what it is. And again, I didn’t hate Outlast 2 and it wasn’t a bad game, it just has a lot to improve on. And they REALLY NEEDS TO TONE DOWN ON ALL THE HORRIBLE SEXUAL MUTILATION STUFF CHRIST WE GET IT CALM DOWN.

... This was a lot longer than I thought it would be. Forgive me. Thanks for reading if you did!!!

[anythingstephenking]

Multiverse Overload

It seems unreasonable to think I was finishing up Nightmares & Dreamscapes yesterday morning and a little over 24 hours later I am back, having just finished one of King’s longest novels, Insomnia, in one cycle of sleep. But here I am. Let’s get into it.

I suppose I wasn’t kidding that I was ready for a novel but I didn’t realize how hungry for this story it was. Or maybe call it boredom - 3 day weekends with 95+ degree temperatures don’t lend themselves to my pasty irish ass spending any time anywhere other than the couch.

I knew little of this story headed in. Actually a little embarrassed to say I thought it somehow related to the Christopher Nolan movie of the same name. Once I cracked the spine and read the teaser copy, I knew this was not true. Also, I was worried. Really, really worried. Exhibit A:

Ralph Roberts is seeing some strange happenings in Derry, Maine.

He sees auras around human beings that show him the horror threatening them.

He sees a nice young research chemist like Ed Deepneau turn into a savage wife beater.

He sees Charlie Pickering with blood in his eyes and a gleaming knife in his hand.

And he sees three little bald doctors in the homes of the dying - and he begins to suspect who they really are.

No wonder Ralph stays awake all night. You would too.

INSOMNIA

“JFC, if I’m stepping into another Tommyknockers I’m going to scream” I said to the cat, who was chasing a bug around the hotel room and has no fucking clue what the Tommyknockers are. Little bald men. Aliens for sure, right?

Well I was, thankfully, wrong in my assumptions. Making an ass outta u & me, or however that old saying goes. I’ve complained before about whoever is responsible for writing these teasers, deceiving readers into believing that Gerald’s Game was a spooky bedtime story, Pet Sematary scared King himself, or that Insomnia is about a dude with, well, insomnia.

In reality, this book is as close to a Dark Tower book as it could get without actually being one. I’d rack it against The Talisman in Dark Tower adjacency, and although not as an enthralling tale as The Tailsman, a good chapter in the mythology all the same.

Ralph Roberts, a senior citizen residing in our favorite vacation destination, Derry, Maine, loses his wife to cancer and spills into a depression as one would do when your companion of 45 years is snuffed out of the living. What begins as minor bouts of insomnia quickly evolves into an inability to catch more than 2 hours a night. As someone who has suffered from depression-induced insomnia and sleep paralysis, a terrifying phenomenon I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, I feel for Ralph. Sleep deprivation is no joke, even if you’re awake watching Arrested Development for the 400th time at 3am. Ralph’s understandably exhausted, and assumes his mind is going when he starts seeing brightly colored auras surrounding humans, objects, street lights, you name it.

(Side story: Once I went on a date with a guy who - after I expressed discomfort in discussing the difference between irony and paradox 5 minutes into our first date - told me I had an unclean aura. I told him to go fuck himself (certainly something someone who’s aura is a little dirty would say) and he gathered his coat and left without a word. Anytime someone mentions auras I can’t help think of this guy - do you think he ever found a gal with a nice looking aura and the ability to discern the difference between irony and paradox? We will never know.)

In any case, Ralph does find himself a lady by the name of Lois, who in fact, does have a real pretty aura. And turns out she’s caught the insomnia and can see the auras too, along with other things that most humans can’t process. Turns out insomnia in Derry can flip a switch to entering worlds that aren’t our own.

Without going too far down the rabbit hole that is the plot of this novel (which squarely lies in the top ten of longest King tomes - say that 10x fast), Ralph and Lois team up on a quest against evil, as so many of King’s protagonists do. I was obviously committed to learning how it ended as I stayed up past my bedtime last night and reached for my paperback copy before I had even poured myself a cup of coffee this morning.

The key conflict in Derry of 1994 revolves around a war between pro-lifers and pro-choicers over a feminist speaking in town about women’s rights. Probably the hardest part of this story to swallow - the realization that 25 years later we’re still having the same argument in America with similar violent and tragic results.

This book is not without it’s faults - King called it “stiff & trying too hard” which is pretty accurate. It is way too long. It reads like a first draft that probably needed a stronger editor hand (or two or three) before publication that it just did not get. King’s ability to paint a picture in your mind is, as always, on point; but the writing describing the aural states seem to clog up the storytelling every ten pages or so. The initial painting of these ethereal halos was beautiful; after the 15th or so description they were just in the way. The use of italics for dialogue was distracting; I had to work to keep my eyes from skimming to the dialogue lines and ignoring the rest of the text on the page.

But it also had so many of my favorite things. For one, the connections to other King stories was strong in this one. Like when I am watching Castle Rock, it makes me feel like an insider to notice the little things that connect King’s worlds together. Like a hipster that listens to a band “before they were cool” - don’t you hate those people? Yeah me too. But here we are.

Derry, and all it’s history covered in depth in the pages of IT is rehashed here. We have mentions of the sewers, the Black Spot Fire, the post-Pennywise storm of 1985. The darkness that hangs over this town lingers, even though we were hoping that the Loser’s Club vanquished the darkness in the mid 80s.

Because something else dark is connected to Derry. The Dark Tower lore sits squarely and open here; we see Roland in children’s drawings and travel between worlds like in The Drawing of The Three. We also are introduced to The Crimson King; the guardian of The Dark Tower, Roland’s adversary and ruler of the highest level. He appears here in our world first as Ralph’s dead mother then as a catfish. I mean, IT was a clown living in a macroverse created by a barfing turtle, so I guess that all makes sense. We also learn Ralph and Lois’s quest is to save a young boy named Patrick Danville, who we’re told is very important in the land-o-the-tower. God, I can’t wait to get to the fourth Dark Tower book.

Other than the obvious references to IT and the DT books, we get a quick mention of the untimely death of Gage Creed in Ludlow. There is also a mention of “Aunt Sadie” in Dallas, and my mind wandered to lovely Sadie Dunhill of 11/22/63. I don’t know if King had the foresight (or the initial manuscript) to reference a character that wouldn’t hit the bookstores for another 17 years, but if so, Bravo Mr. King. Bravo.

By far my favorite photo of King that I’ve randomly stumbled upon on the internet.

My remaining questions are really around the nature of Derry - how can Pennywise and The Crimson King exist (in whatever universe) in or around Derry, without bumping into each other? Why so much evil in this one little town? Are they somehow connected? Are they the same person? Like my friend that claimed my aura needed a good washing, we may never know.

7/10

First Line: No one - least of all Dr. Litchfield - came right out and told Ralph Roberts that his wife was going to die, but there came a time when Ralph understood without needing to be told.

Last Line: And she saw, the long white scar on his right forearm was gone.

Adaptations:

None to speak of - another one of King’s works that’s been discussed in depth but never pushed into any kind of actionable development. All the best I think - a movie version could very easily veer into LSD trip territory.

[bigskydreaming]

princeescaluswords replied to your post: Yessssss….my hate for Hal Jordan is showing others...

I’ve never been into Green Lantern much – from where does the hate arise?

Hoo boy. So. It’s partly because of things Hal has done in the comics, but the other larger part is because of how his character has been handled and ‘redeemed’ and how the writers’ preference for him over the past 12 years has led to an erasure of my fave Kyle Rayner on a massive scale. (Like, look at how I am about Scott erasure in Teen Wolf fandom and the show, and magnify that by 100....because Scott and Kyle are largely the same character for me and their treatment is very comparable too).

Story Time!

So Hal’s character has always been a pretty bland, generic hyper-masculine dude whose notable attributes are that he’s fearless and a test pilot for his day job and blah blah. At least in my opinion. Not really that objectionable, plenty of characters fit that bill, but I never saw the appeal.

But then in the early 90s they decided to shake up the Green Lantern franchise in a major way. Not sure how much you know about the franchise, but essentially its a Corps of space cops, 3600 in number, and for decades in the comics Hal was considered ‘the best of them’, even by his fellow Green Lanterns. 

Then the Death of Superman storyline happened, and Hal’s home Coast City was destroyed. And Hal went full dark side. It was honestly one of the best and most tragic ‘fall from grace’ storylines I’ve ever read or seen it mainstream media. It was what Anakin Skywalker’s story had the potential to be but was never quite realized, IMO. See, Green Lanterns can do just about anything with the right amount of power fueling them....and Hal became obsessed with resurrecting Coast City and everyone who’d died. Undoing the event, rewinding time. He was convinced he could do it with the right amount of power, but that his ring alone wouldn’t do it. So he went to Oa, the home base of the Green Lanterns and where the Central Battery that fueled all their rings was located. He asked the Guardians (the aliens who had created the rings and the Corps in the first place) to give him the power he needed, and they told him no, that time was not to be messed with in the ways he was picturing.

So Hal killed the Guardians. Killed the Green Lanterns who tried to get in his way, including some of his closest friends and allies. And then he drained the Central Battery, absorbing all its power into himself - and in the process draining the rings of all 3600 Corps members. Resulting in most of them dying, because they were off on official business, in life or death situations of their own when their rings suddenly stopped working, or many of them were in the void of space, flying between planets when they were just stranded their as their rings drained of juice.

But in Hal’s mind, all of this was just temporary. He was regretful as he did it all, but kept saying that none of this mattered, that it was all going to be undone anyway as soon as he had the power he needed to fix it all. He became the villain Parallax, even willingly calling himself a villain, because he had no illusions about how what he was doing looked, it was just he was fixated on the ends justifying the means, and that it would all be worth it in the end. He convinced himself there were no consequences to anything he did, because he intended it to just be temporary.

This was when I started reading comics, with this storyline (Emerald Twilight it was called). And so my very first superhero was Kyle Rayner, for a generation of readers, we watched his origin story unfold. One of the Guardians, Ganthet, had survived Hal’s attack, and he was able to keep one last ring intact. And he went to Earth and gave it to Kyle Rayner as he was leaving a concert one night. All the other Lanterns previously had been chosen for their great willpower or their ability to feel no fear or whatever, but Kyle was just this random guy who was in the right place at the right time (or wrong place at the wrong time, depending on your perspective). So from the start, Kyle was the everyman hero in a way Hal and other GLs had never been....this normal guy, a college dropout who suddenly had this enormous burden placed on him, the responsibility of being the Last Green Lantern, the only one left to do what an entire Corps had been tasked with before Hal’s fall. And being a hero didn’t come naturally to him, he didn’t just show up and save the day, he struggled with trying to figure out the right way to do things and if he were even the right person for the job. There were a number of times when he wanted to just give up the ring entirely, but then he found out it wouldn’t work for anyone else. If there was going to be a Green Lantern it was either going to be him or no one.

And Hal was like, his big villain from day one. For years his archnemesis was his own predecessor, who had become this symbol for how power can corrupt. His own personal bogeyman because Hal was what he could become if he let the power get to his head. Like, Hal would pop up all the time to tempt him, trying to convince him to give up the power he never really wanted to have in the first place. That with it, Hal could finally fix things, and he could even fix things for Kyle (like bring back his girlfriend, who died in one of his earliest stories). And he didn’t get along well with most other heroes because they had been Hal’s friends and allies and to them Kyle was just a reminder of everything that had happened. And all the aliens Kyle was supposed to help on his space adventures, since his responsibilities as a GL extended beyond just earth....none of them trusted him because they looked at a GL now and thought of Hal and everything he’d done.

So basically, for a decade, pretty much every one of Kyle’s actions and choices as a hero revolved around trying to repair the damage Hal had done, as well as try and protect everyone the GLs had been responsible for before Emerald Twilight, only do it all by himself, because it was because of Hal there was no one to help shoulder the work.

Hal eventually sacrificed himself to save the day from a galaxy-wide threat (largely thanks to Kyle’s influence). Even without him though, his influence was still a driving force for Kyle’s stories. At one point, finally, Kyle absorbed a huge amount of power that turned him into a god, basically, and it was because he didn’t trust himself with it and feared he’d end up like Hal that he gave it all away, and instead used it to restart the Central Battery and in the process he kinda recreated the Guardians - it wasn’t like what Hal had wanted to do, undoing everything, these new Guardians weren’t as they’d been previously, they were children who needed someone to guide them and help them grow into people who would in turn guide a new GL Corps, and that was basically Kyle and Ganthet who did that.

ANYWAY, so here’s why I really hate Hal. Because Geoff Johns took over the GL franchise then, and Hal was his all time favorite character. So his priority was ‘redeeming’ Hal so he could be a hero again and take center stage at the GL franchise. And to do that, Johns basically said....none of it was ever Hal’s fault. He resurrected Hal and then introduced the idea that Parallax was actually an alien entity, the embodiment of fear, and that he’d possessed Hal and was the real reason Hal had done everything he’d done. So Hal defeated Parallax, locked him away, and became a GL again and took his ‘rightful place’ as the greatest GL ever, despite umm, the fact that he was the one who’d destroyed the Corps in the first place.

And in the process, Kyle was inevitably shuffled off stage. He’s appeared in a number of stories since then, because he’s a huge part of the GL franchise and has a ton of fans, but despite the fact that he WAS the entire franchise for 15 years, he takes a backseat to Hal and most of the other GLs wheneevr he shows up. There’s a lot of talk and references to how Kyle’s such a great GL and he did such a good job of representing the Corps by himself while he was the only one, but its all very round about and vague, just kinda a ‘oh yeah, he’s important’ without ever really specifying why he’s important or specifically what he did (like restart the Corps by himself).

Thing is though....there’s literally no way around this, not if you’re going to choose to prioritize Hal over Kyle. Because while Johns wrote a story saying that nothing Hal did was really his fault, that still only works if you quickly move past the specifics of what Hal did and don’t make readers focus on it too much. Narratively, to pull off that kind of twist, you need to put distance between the character and the events, and you have to ‘unlink’ the two in readers’ minds. The more people associate Hal with the fall of the Corps, the harder it is to say ‘but remember, it just looked and sounded like Hal, it wasn’t him really.’

And Kyle, by his very existence, makes it hard to forget what Hal’s character was responsible for in the past. Because Kyle’s character and his existence in the franchise is entirely rooted in what Hal did in the past, while his character certainly exists independent of Hal and doesn’t need him to be a great character, his HISTORY is inextricably linked with the part of Hal’s that Johns wanted people to move past. You can’t craft a story about how important Kyle is to the mythos as the Torchbearer, the guy who restored the Battery and brought back the Guardians, without highlighting the reminder that Hal was the one who destroyed them in the first place.

So the writers have done various things with Kyle over the past decade, he’s mastered all the other colors of the emotional spectrum and he became the White Lantern and at other times he was the host for the avatar or embodiment of the energy the GLs draw from - always big, important stuff, but the kind of stuff that means he only shows up in the final stories of an arc or for big important events, and when he does show up the focus is always on what he’s doing right now rather than his actual character. For the most part, he’s kept out of sight, out of mind or specifically written in such a way as to just be here to play support staff to whatever Hal has to do....because they don’t know how to write Kyle taking center stage again without reminding people that Kyle is only the hero he is because of the fifteen years he spent being the only Green Lantern and trying to make up for Hal’s legacy.

Sooooo....yeah. He’s been sidelined hard, and with definite intent, all because Johns wanted his personal fave redeemed. And he always will be, as long as Hal is considered the ‘heart’ of the franchise. And so I am forever bitter, because Kyle is my favorite hero ever and deserves better, and I don’t want to read Green Lantern stories, I want to read Kyle Rayner stories and the best I’ve gotten for the past twelve years are Kyle Rayner appearances in Hal Jordan stories, lol. Booooo.

And the fact that Hal is SO BORING and generic doesn’t really help at all because I mostly just flail my arms around a lot and wildly shout THIS GUY? THIS IS THE GUY YOU UNDID ONE OF YOUR GREATEST STORIES AND SIDELINED ONE OF YOUR GREATEST HEROES FOR? THIS GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

LOL. Anyway. That’s the story. That’s why I can’t stand Hal Jordan.

[alligotleftismyjim]

TV SERIES ASKS shadowhunters /and/ star trek (both please 😁) cause I'm nothing if not predictable & a total stan of ur blog

Kay, so this took a whole lot longer than expected cause college decided to dump shit on me all at once so some of the Shadowhunters feelings are out of date but I don’t have enough time to go back and rewrite all that but I’m just gonna have a brief scream about ep10 cause good goddamn that was intense. And I’m gonna apologize for the massive post ahead but I’m on mobile and don’t know how to do a read more so if you don’t want to read my thoughts on Shadowhunters and Star Trek, feel free to scroll by. Secondly, @sybil-branson-jr I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer this and I’m totally not worthy to have such an awesome follower like you and your blog is awesome and sunny and makes me happy 💛💛💛💛

send me a tv series and I’ll tell you:

Shadowhuntersmy all-time ultimate fave character: MAGNUS BANE. He’s my all time fave for so many reasons but mainly cause he’s such a complex character and we’re FINALLY getting to see more aspects of his personality and it’s really really nice to see my sexual orientation represented in a way that doesn’t make it seem like all bisexuals are up for threesomes and that we can’t be in a monogamous relationship

a character I didn’t used to like but now do: I absolutely used to hate Maryse. But after ep8 and the seeing her begin to realize her past actions were pretty shitty, she’s starting to grow on me. I’m a fan of multi-dimensional characters and seeing her struggle with being a good (emotions cloud judgement) shadowhunter while having to go through the thing with Robert and trying to be a good mother while still following orders and wanting her son to be happy but still having trouble accepting downworlders is really interesting to me. You can tell she really does want Alec to be happy and that she really does care for Jace but she is still a shadowhunter and that creates a really interesting internal struggle that I really wanna see more of.

a character I used to like but now don’t: This doesn’t really apply? Cause I love them all. Valentine is a massive asshole but he makes a really good villain. And Iris was just introduced this season and again, she’s supposed to be a villain so you were never really supposed to like her.

a character I’m indifferent about: I’m pretty indifferent about Lydia but it’s mainly because she hasn’t been in that many episodes and we don’t have much of a backstory for her. We know she was in love and he was killed so now she’s dedicated to her work. But that’s about it. She’s a badass shadowhunter and I’m dying to see more of her.

a character who deserved better: ALL OF THEM. They all deserve to be happy and not have to worry about the literal world ending. Magnus deserves recognition for the sheer amount of stuff he does to save everyone and he deserves to not be treated like shit because he’s a warlock. Alec deserves to be happy with his boyfriend and not feel so guilty over feeling like he failed as a shadowhunter because he couldn’t keep Jace from Valentine, he let a demon into the Institute and he killed Jocelyn. Isabelle deserves better cause the smartest shadowhunter in the Institute doesn’t deserve to be relegated to an almost background character whose current storyline revolves around drug addiction. Jace deserves better cause poor guy was psychologically and physically abused by Valentine, then rescued, then forced to go on the run because the Clave thought he was working with Valentine. Luke deserves better because he had just gotten Jocelyn back and then Valentine’s demon killed her. And he’s been such a good father figure to Clary and Simon but we’ve barely seen him this season and so far he’s lost the love of his life, reunited with his sister only for her to be taken from him by the man who betrayed him and turned him into a werewolf, and was lied to and tricked by one of the only people that’s still alive that he cares about. I could go on and on.

a ship I’ve never been able to get into: Alec and literally any female character ever. He’s gay. As in into guys. He’s not bisexual. He’s not straight or pansexual or anything else. He’s gay and his boyfriend is the High Warlock of Brooklyn. And I’m not super into Alec x Jace but that’s mainly because I can’t see them as anything other than brothers and parabatai.

a ship I’ve never been able to get over: MALEC. And it’s not just because they’re the only canon couple on the show. I just love their dynamic and the fact that they’re both figuring out their relationship together. Matt and Harry’s chemistry makes the relationship feel so real and natural and I applaud them for caring so much about Magnus and Alec and how dedicated they are to getting the relationship right.

a cute, low-key ship: I’m so here for Clary x Isabelle. We got a few Clizzy scenes last season and early on this season. And before the whole yin-fen mess, they were getting closer and their relationship could easily read as the beginnings of a romantic relationship.

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: I’m not really sure what ships would be unpopular? Cause I’ve seen people ship just about everyone with each other? And typically the really unpopular ships are unpopular for reasons I agree.

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: I understand why it happened but I am definitely not a fan of Magnus x Camille. I fully respect that Camille helped Magnus out of a bad place in his life but abusive and manipulative relationships are never ever okay. Thankfully, everyone seems to agree that Camille was a terrible person and I haven’t seen anyone ship them romantically. I’ve only ever seen Camille as an ex in fics or as someone who causes tension between Magnus and Alec.

my favourite storyline/moment: the wedding kiss scene will go down as one of my absolute favorite moments but I’m a big sucker for any malec scene. I absolutely lost it when Alec met Madzie and I really wanna see Alec with more small children now.

a storyline that never should have been written: I’m not a big fan of the yin-fen storyline just because I don’t seen much of a point to it right now. I’m trying to keep an open mind because so far, the show has been amazing. I really hope there’s a point to this whole storyline so I won’t say I don’t think it should’ve been written yet, but I’m just not a fan.

my first thoughts on the show: the whole reason I started watching was because I saw people on my dash royally loosing their shit over some couple (malec) on some fantasy show (shadowhunters). I’m a sucker for an awesome canon couple and once I started watching the show, I marathoned all of season 1 in like three nights over the summer. I’m a sucker for a well done fantasy show (early seasons of Supernatural) and, slightly questionable special effects aside, I felt shadowhunters was really well done. For being based off a book series with a questionable author and for seemingly flying under the radar until the show, I was completely taken with the characters and the storylines.

my thoughts now: I’m in love. I’m completely obsessed. As you can tell, my blog has completely shifted from a Star Trek blog to a Shadowhunters blog. Part of that is from the lack of Star Trek on my dash and not having new content every week like a tv show, but I’ve also fallen in love with the characters and storylines and I firmly believe that this cast is the most amazing cast ever. They care so much about the show and their characters and they all seem like they’re awesome friends.

Star Trek (I’m gonna do the reboot movies cause that’s what got me into Star Trek and I have more opinions about the movies than any of the tv series)

send me a tv series and I’ll tell you:my all-time ultimate fave character: LEONARD H MCCOY 4LIFE. I love my grumpy southern doctor who acts like he doesn’t care but actually cares so deeply about his friends and everyone on the ship cause man can I relate to that

a character I didn’t used to like but now do: not applicable because they are all my children and I love them all

a character I used to like but now don’t: again with the not applicable

a character I’m indifferent about: Carol Marcus. Which is mainly Abrams’ fault since he apparently has a phobia of giving out characters’ backstory. I’d love to see more of her because I think she’s incredibly brilliant and she’d be a great addition to the rest of the crew.

a character who deserved better: ALL OF THEM! Kirk deserves to not feel like he’ll never live up to his dad’s legacy. Spock deserves to not feel like he doesn’t fit in anywhere because of his half Vulcan-half human heritage. McCoy deserves to be treated like a goddamn part of the triumvirate because he fuCKING IS. I AM SO SALTY ABOUT HIM BARELY BEING A PART OF THE BIG THREE IN THE FIRST MOVIE AND BEING PRACTICALLY WRITTEN OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING SECOND MOVIE. PRAISE THE LORD FOR STAR TREK BEYOND AND THE INCREDIBLE LEONARD MCCOY BEING TREATED LIKE THE VERY IMPORTANT MAIN CHARACTER THAT HE IS. I have lots of feelings about how his character has been treated and I could rant forever about it

a ship I’ve never been able to get into: I was never really able to get super into any ships that had Chekov in them just because Anton looked so young in the first two movies. But then Beyond happened and apparently Chekov was hitting the gym on the five year mission cause our friendly Russian navigator got ripped.

a ship I’ve never been able to get over: MCKIRK. I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP!!! The grumpy southern doctor loves the literal ray of sunshine captain. And the literal ray of sunshine captain loves the grumpy southern doctor. And they’re already such good friends and obviously care about each other (“I couldn’t just leave you there lookin’ all pathetic”). They just seem to fit together. McCoy is able to ground Kirk when he’s in danger of getting too wrapped up in his own head and Kirk is able to bring out McCoy’s more adventurous side and they just make each other better. I could continue to wax poetic but this post is already gonna be massive

a cute, low-key ship: Spuhura is my jam. Like cute little finger kisses in the hallway or turbo lift or under the table in the mess hall. And Uhura being able to talk to Spock in Vulcan and give him that little piece of home is just adorable

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: again, I don’t really know any unpopular ships? I can only think of Khan x Bones but I don’t see much of it and I really don’t like it.

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: Khan x anyone. I just can’t get behind that. Especially Khan x Bones. Just nope.

my favourite storyline/moment: I really enjoyed all of Beyond simply because it felt like it finally got back to the root of what Star Trek means: to explore new cultures with an open mind and offer up the best of humanity. So that’s probably my favorite storyline. My favorite moment was probably when it was revealed, in a completely un-dramatic way, that Sulu was gay. It was such a small moment but the reveal was done is such a quiet and nonchalant way that, it seemed to me, the writes sought to normalize the fact that Sulu has a husband and an adorable daughter. Which is awesome. Whenever a straight character is revealed to have a spouse or children, there’s never this big dramatic reveal so why should it be any different for a same-sex couple? I dunno. I just thought it was a really sweet moment and a nice nod to George Takei and the original series. Plus we had Simon Pegg basically say ‘fuck it’ and made everyone some orientation other than straight.

a storyline that never should have been written: I don’t get why they had to kill off Amanda in the first movie? Like? Spock’s planet was already destroyed and it’s not like he and Kirk bonded over both losing a parent? It just seemed pretty pointless to me plus all the scenes we got with Spock and Amanda were so sweet. I would’ve loved to have seen more of them

my first thoughts on the show: I think I remember being immediately engrossed in the movie. Since it opens in space, I was instantly pulled into this amazing futuristic world. And then I got to see cocky young Kirk and bby Spock then cocky older Kirk and sassy older Spock. AND THEN I got to meet my favorite salty southern doctor and I was never the same

my thoughts now: *aggressively hums theme music* I love Star Trek so much. To me, it showcases the best of what humanity has to offer and it shows us how to embrace other cultures and beliefs. Especially with the current political situation (I’m in the US), it’s seems more important now to be tolerant and accepting of people from other cultures and ethnic groups. I saw a post going around a little bit ago that was talking about how the person thought they should honor Anton. They pointed out Chekov was always supposed to show how the US and Russia would be able to overcome the tension between the countries. So the OP said they thought it’d be a nice nod to the original point of the character of Chekov to have a new navigator on the Enterprise and have them be a Muslim woman and I whole heartedly agree. I don’t want to see Chekov be killed off. Just have him be transferred to another ship and let the Enterprise have a new badass Muslim lady as the navigator. Or any other minority that is underrepresented

[rwby-rants-and-theories]

Thoughts on RWBY Volume 4 Chapter 9 - “Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back”

I was... quite satisfied with this episode. All four of our girls, all four of our babies.

This episode just... felt great. "A Much Needed Talk" frustrated me to no end, but this episode gave me a sigh of relief at the very end. Well, sorta. "We're running into Raven." isn't very comforting even if it means saving Qrow. Does that mean we finally get to talk more about Summer? Qrow was hallucinating about telling Tai she (Summer) isn't coming back. But just imagine what Ruby could learn about her mother from two people who worked with her, specially given the atmosphere around Qrow and Raven. Imagine what it would also mean for the Branwen twins. I don't think Qrow is a snarky alcoholic with a five-o-clock shadow just for the hell of it. (I mean, he could but that would be some of the laziest writing ever known to mankind. And Faunuskind.) With a semblance like "misfortune", guy must've gone through some pretty tough stuff. Add in Summer dying and well, you get more than just "human disaster", no pun intended (a little pun intended).

About Raven, it would shed a lot of light about who she is, about her life philosophy. She left behind some of the most important people in her life (Tai, Summer, Qrow, her own friggen daughter). Is it really just ambition that drives her? Granted, Raven left Yang after she was born, and Tai mentioned their relationship was already over very thin ice (putting it lightly, maybe, have you ​seen​​​ Raven?). Imagine how hard it must have been. Did Raven and Tai have problems before or during her pregnancy with Yang? Maybe a little after? Those are questions whose answers we'll find out through Yang's eyes, hopefully. It's information essential to her and her character, information that will add ​a lot​​​ of meaning if and ​​when​​​​​​ Yang and Raven reunite. They have to. Homegirl <3 started off this series looking for Raven, that pivotal establishment of her character means nothing if she doesn't find Raven ​or if Raven doesn't find her first​​​. Back to Summer and Raven, though. Raven's life philosophy is "The strong survive, the weak perish." She spent years with Summer, Tai, and Qrow. ​​Those aren't the beliefs of someone who bonded so intimately for so long with what's essentially a godly Teletubby, a crass sandwich-making dork, and a dramatic bird dude who loves playing video games. A lot of people have theorized Raven's "kill or be killed" rhetoric is her coping mechanism for Summer's death. Summer was her leader. The strongest woman she knew. Summer was her ​friend. And she ​dies. ​​​​​​No way that makes sense to Raven. She probably went from "Oh gods, it's my fault, I wasn't there for her, I let her die," to something else. It's not likely she thought "Summer was weak, that's why she died," but rather "Something was stronger than Summer, either we step up or we join her." That makes a lot more sense given how many lives Raven is responsible for as the leader of her tribe. Could you imagine how interesting it would be for Ruby, who believes in helping everybody, be told that not everybody deserves help? That they're a burden? How interesting it would be for Raven to feel like she's facing Summer again, being reminded of her old self and what she believed in? That's deep, yo. One last thing: I wish Ren and Nora would have accompanied Ruby and Jaune. Raven is the woman responsible for the deaths of people they cared about and the losses they faced as children. Figure what it would mean for them if they confronted Raven. It would provide the much-needed backstories and developments they deserve (other than Pyrrha, of course. Because Pyrrha's death is not just about Jaune, no matter how much Miles and Kerry might think. Ruby watched Pyrrha die and she also failed to save her, while Ren and Nora couldn't be there for their friend and teammate. You'd figure they would also have some say about her other than Jaune. I want Jaune to grow but it's disturbing how much the story is revolving around him). Granted, it doesn't mean that they won't run into Raven later on, but I'm just worried that the longer they go without meeting her, the more it means ​they never will.​ ​​​Also, I'm a slut for watching Jaune and Ren hug and Team RNJR show each other support and affection.​​ Martial Arcs shippers are going nuts.

Moving on to Weiss, God, I love watching her grow. But I wish we could have seen more of her regaining her confidence and becoming stronger throughout the season. She's had too few scenes, but given RT's budget and constraints, I understand (and I'd be a little less critical if that were the only case). I'm looking forward to see her escape from the Schnee household, and the dire repercussions that would follow. Hopefully, by the time Jacques finds her, she'll be back with ​her smol red girlfriend​​​ Team RWBY or someone friendly. I'd hate for Weiss to feel even more on her own than she already did in Atlas. #WeissSchneeProtectionSquad2K17 I have a few words about Whitley, too. I'm a little annoyed that he's fallen into this "Annoying Younger Sibling/Bitch in Sheep's Clothing" trope. The opening showed Whitley being a pillar of support for Weiss alongside Klein. Misleading openings are nothing new, for sure, but c'mon. Honestly, I'm hoping Miles and Kerry give us a little more substance to Whitley. Why he is the way he is or why he is so dismissive of his grandfather's legacy by calling Weiss and Winter "barbaric" and "beneath" him and his father by being Huntresses? I feel Whitley's anger at Winter and Weiss stems from "They disobeyed Father and pointlessly faced the punishments when they could have just stayed quiet and lived in peace," rather than just "They disobeyed Father." It would give so much more context to their family dynamic and explain a lot. Honestly, where's Weiss's mom? It weirds me out how we've had a look into the Schnees and Nick's daughter, Jacques's entry into the family name, is nowhere to be seen or heard. You'd think she wouldn't have an opinion on Jacques or her own children, specially Weiss. Just what else is going on here that we don't know about? We have seen plenty but what do we KNOW? Again, I'm hoping Miles and Kerry clear this out soon. Although without Weiss in the Schnee household, there is no guarantee we'll have a POV to explore it.

And now, Blake. My favorite. Absolute perfection. I'm quite pleasantly surprised this spy ended up being someone Blake knows and was likely close to. It gives a much-needed dimension to the White Fang and a tie to it for Blake other than ​Fuckboi Supreme​​​ Adam and her parents. It makes so much sense that she'd know someone else in the White Fang other than Adam. If Blake was born into the White Fang, why not other kids? I want to know what kind of relationship Blake had to Ilia. She seems to care about Blake. She could have hurt her but she didn't. She only hurt Sun. Boy, she hurt ​Sun​​​. There's a lot to say about that and y'all know. First things first, Blake and Sun's dynamic this volume has been rather cringe-worthy and borderline mutually abusive. Sun stalks Blake for what could have been six to eight months without any consideration about how paranoid, vulnerable, and anxious she might feel after what happened at Beacon. If it were absolutely necessary for Sun to be on this journey with Blake, wouldn't it have made better sense if we had opened Blake's arc this volume with Blake and Sun already travelling together with Blake stressing how much she didn't want Sun to come with her and only let him come because he'd insist in supporting her? Failing that and having the events of "Of Runaways and Stowaways" play out the same, a conversation between Blake and Sun would have been great. Sun would explain his reasons for doing what he did (keep in mind that an explanation is NOT a justification by any means) and Blake would have had a better opportunity of calling him out and have Sun understand her a little better. It would have avoided Sun rudely and frustratingly interrupting a very meaningful conversation between Blake and Ghira, a conversation that revealed substantial details about Blake's past and her life-long (and recent) trauma. It was a much needed talk (see what I did there?). It was the reassurance and the beginning of a healing process Blake desperately needs. A conversation between Blake and Sun would have avoided her abusing Sun by slapping him not once but twice across the face and throwing away his phone when he needed to show her evidence that she might be in danger. These instances of mutual abuse were writing decisions. They were questionable choices Miles and Kerry took regarding Blake and Sun. These problems weren't something necessary to have between Blake and Sun, but Miles and Kerry thought this was even remotely okay or appropriate. Guys, c'mon. I wanna believe in y'all. Don't show one instance of abuse as reprehensible (Jacques and Weiss) and then show another as comic relief (Blake and Sun). That's gross, lol. Anyway, Blake's "Please, not again," was heartbreaking but I hope that leads to the conversation Blake needs to have about her Saiyan girlfriend Yang and the one she needs to have with Sun. A lot of these issues would be easily resolved or progressed if only characters ​talked ​​​about them, because there are also ​​several other that are more sensitive and immediate.

Finally, let's talk about Yang. There has been too little Yang this volume and this is a valid complaint. The last we saw of Yang, she had decided to start her training with her new arm because she didn't want to feel like a burden anymore. Now, we skip to her behaving more like her former self and holding her own in a spar. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see Yang feel a lot more confident, but quite frankly, it feels severely unearned. There wasn't a proper exploration of her feeling like she ​needs ​​​to get better otherwise she is a dead weight, and her overcoming that amount of low self-worth she's been struggling with ever since Summer died and learned that Raven, her own mother, abandoned her while her father suffered a long depressive episode. There wasn't a proper exploration of her PTSD and depression following the loss of her arm, or recovering and getting stronger for us to feel invested in her growth. She just had one panic attack and Miles and Kerry decided that's enough about Yang's trauma to show. Mental illness is a very serious and sensitive topic. It's either addressed thoroughly and sensibly or it's not addressed at all. You can't be on the fence with it due to its complexity and gravity. Skipping through Yang's growth feels sloppy and mediocre. Recovery isn't pretty. It's hard and ugly and tough to swallow. "A few weeks" isn't enough for recovery, even when you count the months that passed between now and the Fall of Beacon. What also bothered me is how Taiyang bothered to mention Yang's performance in the Vytal Festival without mentioning what happened with Mercury. Tai mentions how Yang is lacking in balance and has this great talk with her about her approach to things and still fails to talk about Adam and Mercury. I want to see more of Tai and Yang bonding over their losses and Tai be a father and make us want to feel more involved with him and the relationship he has with his daughters.Their conversation about how Yang is similar but not exactly like Raven is a great example of this. We get a sense of how Tai feels about Raven and Yang learns a little more about her. The dynamic between Raven, Yang, and Tai feels a little more grounded. If we can't see this in the show, hell,  there's other mediums to ensure we are treated to cannon material not covered in the show.

So far, that's about all I have to say about this episode. I loved it but the episode wasn't without some major flaws and missed opportunities, and that goes for the entire volume as well. I'm looking forward for the rest of the season and hope to do some meta analysis for the entire volume and even the other ones in the series.

For now, let's all rejoice in the fact that we got to see ZWEI, GOOD BOY, LITTLE CUTIE, SUCH A PRECIOUS BALL OF SUNSHINE, WHO'S A GOOD BOY, YES HE IS, YES HE IS.

[sarahburness]

How I Turned Fear and Anxiety into Joy and Fulfillment

“The largest part of what we call ‘personality’ is determined by how we’ve opted to defend ourselves against anxiety and sadness.” ~Alain de Botton

I know fear and anxiety. We’re old friends. When I was fifteen, and school was over, I’d have to force one foot in front of the other. It was time to go home. I always kept going and with every step I’d psych myself up.

You see, once I’d gotten home, fixed my dinner, and finished my homework, my mother would come home. It was then that we would begin the nightly ritual of me talking her out of killing herself. I succeeded, but every day was a struggle.

As I got older I became terrified of leaving my room and fixated on studying so I could go to college and leave her dramatic mood swings behind.

I did get out. I went on to study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a highly ranked school, studied abroad in England, and even went on to get a Masters Degree in International Studies from the University of Sydney in Australia. I worked hard and climbed in my career as a humanitarian worker.

But the problem was that the fear and anxiety followed me. The chaotic energy of my childhood was still in every cell of my body. And as a result, I attracted people very similar to my mother and I was attracted to dangerous situations such as visiting former war zones for work.

After seventeen years of carrying this weight around, I buckled. My work suffered and I fell apart emotionally. I felt like a pilot trying to land an out of control jumbo jet with both engines on fire.

I just couldn’t carry the weight anymore, so I began to unload toxic relationships left and right—quite to the shock and dismay of my family and friends.

As I felt better and cracks of clarity began to seep through, the people around me pushed back. That’s when I made probably the biggest most dramatic decision I’ve ever made.

I sold my house in Washington, DC, worked out a part-time telecommuting position with my boss, and moved to Asheville, North Carolina. I knew that I needed space to figure out who I was and to spend some quality time dealing with my past.

Four and a half years later, I feel like a completely different person. I believe in myself, like really believe in myself. I meditate. I have clear boundaries that I stick to, and at a cellular level, I feel at peace.

Now, I still have work to do, but I don’t dread it. Instead, I look forward to my continued work and getting to the next level of fulfillment, and I see life as full possibilities and joy.

During this journey people have continually asked me how I did it. They’re amazed that every time they see me, I somehow have jumped to a more fulfilled level. Well, let me tell you.

1. I made personal development my number one priority.

Every time I made a leap, my relationship with myself improved, my relationships with others improved, new opportunities appeared in my life, and my business became less stressful, more streamlined, and more purposeful.

2. I embraced my emotions.

It was messy at first. I’m not going to lie. I cried every day for two years and I still cry fairly often, but it’s over quickly and I feel much better afterward. I understand now that I had to grieve for the childhood that I never had.

The two tools that kept me sane and helped me push through were a) a regimented and strenuous workout routine that allowed me to get my anger out in a physical way and b) Iyanla Vanzant’s online Forgiveness Workshop, which guided me through why I was angry, allowed me to get to the heart of my anger (and more importantly my hurt), and allowed me to let go.

3. I stopped identifying myself as a victim.

I’ll be honest, this one still comes up for me in surprising ways. I realized that I had been taking pride in being a victim. It had become part of my identity, and it was holding me back from believing in myself.

4. I embraced that it’s how I feel that is the most important thing in my life, not the amount of money in my bank account, the status of the people around me, or the car that I drive.

Danielle LaPorte’s book The Desire Map was instrumental in this mind shift. After reading it, I finally understood that when I coveted material things or relationships, I wasn’t coveting them; I was coveting how I thought they would make me feel. My whole life changed when I realized that I could have positive feelings now without these things.

I began to incorporate experiencing belonging, feeling loved, and feeling safe into my morning meditation.

There was a lot of reaching at the beginning. These weren’t emotions that I had ever experienced in a holistic and healthy way. But I kept meditating on them, and slowly, things, programs, podcasts, and people showed up in my life that showed me what those healthy emotions did feel like. And my meditations on them became more and more real. And now I know with certainty that my life will be filled with belonging, love, and feelings of being safe for the rest of my life.

5. I embraced affirmations and mantras.

I began to write down affirmations and post them throughout my house. When things were at their worst, I printed out on a piece of paper in huge font the words “I love you” and taped it to my bathroom mirror.

I still cry thinking about how lonely and unloved I felt when I looked at that piece of paper every morning. But I kept it up there and I even started to say “I love you” to myself in the mirror.

At first I could barely look myself in the eye, but after over five years, I look myself clearly in the eye and smile every time I say it, because I mean it.

I also started to identify how I wanted to feel so I could create mantras. I still do this. At the moment I’ve borrowed one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s favorites and adapted it. Every time I am at rest I repeat to myself “I am supported in my life and business” and everyday I feel more supported.

6. I got a dog.

It may sound simple to some, but getting a dog has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The obvious perks are the unconditional love, the constant shoulder to cry on, and someone who is always ecstatic to play with me.

But the actual reason goes much deeper. Dogs’ behavior reflects the energy we put off into the world, so they’re like an instant karma meter. If we’re feeling chaotic and unsure of ourselves, they might protect us by attacking other dogs or misbehave.

People always assume it’s the dog’s fault if he misbehaves, but the fault is almost always the human’s energy. Once I figured this out, I felt an even greater responsibility for the energy that I was putting out in the world. I now had to be calm, direct, and assertive so that my dog could have a happy life. During this process, he has helped me identify countless things to clear.

7. I set firm boundaries.

This one was and still is paramount to my happiness. I grew up in a family with essentially no boundaries. My parents would tell me about their love lives, their problems, and didn’t really allow me to have any material possessions that really felt like mine.

So as an adult I had very poor boundaries. I’d let people take advantage of me and then get mad behind their backs. I’d ask inappropriate questions. The list goes on and on.

One day my therapist mentioned boundaries in passing, so I looked on Amazon and found another life changing book, Where you End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. It rocked my world.

I honestly had never even realized that I was allowed to set boundaries. I started setting them right away and my whole world started to shift.

I now tell people when I don’t want to talk about a subject. I leave a party if I no longer want to be there and I only do things I want to do. As a result I am so much happier and grounded, and more importantly I am now free to explore what it is that I really want.

8. I understand that what people say often reflects what they think about themselves.

This was a hard one. I grew up thinking that everyone’s emotional state and actions were my fault.

As a result, I had a chronic need to please—and if I didn’t, I felt horribly guilty about it afterwards. As I worked through my own emotional chaos, I began to understand how the energy that I brought to a situation could completely shift its outcome.

I realized that I was creating a revolving mirror of chaos by projecting my own insecurities onto other people’s words and actions. Once I had reined in my inner chaos and could see the world with some clarity, I realized that most people do the same thing I was doing.

In some cases I realized it didn’t even matter if I was in the room; their insecurities were the only thing that mattered in their world. Whatever I had to say wasn’t going to change anything.

This realization was downright magical. I finally felt free. I look back and realize that so many situations that had made me feel bad had absolutely nothing to do with me. This has not only allowed me to forgive more people, but it has allowed me to more easily spot secure people who genuinely listen and gravitate towards them.

9. I expelled negative messages from my life.

I realized that the television shows I watched, the music that I listened to, and the furniture and objects I put in my house all impacted my subconscious.

As a result, I stopped watching television where the main character was on the verge of dying or the world was going to end in every episode. This doesn’t mean I switched to shows with unicorns and bunnies. I’m an intelligent person who likes complex plots. But what I did was make sure that the shows I watched reflected how I wanted to feel.

I started curating my music more carefully. If I loved the beat, but the song had negative messages about women, it got tossed. If the lyrics were about self-sabotage or unhealthy self-doubt, it got tossed. Or if I just didn’t like the beat, it also got tossed.

What is now left is positive, affirming music that actually feels like me. I’ve even had people comment that the music I listen to feels like my artwork.

I gave away or threw out all furniture or objects that I didn’t like or that reminded me of someone that I didn’t like. If an object made me feel guilty, it got tossed. If something was broken, it got tossed.

I even threw away my dining room table! Every time I would drive to the Restore or Goodwill with a full car I was filled with guilt, but then when I drove away empty-handed I always felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

I realized that I was so busy cluttering my house up with obligations and broken things that I wasn’t showcasing the things I loved and that brought me joy.

10. I believe in myself.

When I was trying to study abroad in England and get my Masters in Australia, I felt so sure of the outcome—in my mind there was no other outcome—and I felt so focused and purposeful. I realized this year that I had lost that drive.

Going through my past in painstaking detail in order to heal had really taken its toll. In some ways it had dragged me into a holding pattern and I couldn’t see a life beyond it.

Then I started to listen to the Tim Ferriss’ podcast. It’s a complex show hosted by a complex man, so you could take away any number of things. What I’ve taken away lately is that I need to start asking myself more absurd questions.

Essentially I need to start thinking bigger. So when Tim mentioned an old 1959 book called The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz, I devoured it. It is lifting me up in ways that I never expected (and making me chuckle at its totally 1950s take on life).

As a result of this book, I finally understand what Tony Robbins has been banging on about—successful people and businesses are successful because they truly believe they will be successful, and they’re willing to do any amount of personal growth work to get to their goal.

They are so sure of the outcome that nothing, not even their most horrifying ghost will stop them. They’re not going to push against the ghost, they’re going to embrace the ghost, feel its pain, and move through it.

I believe that I can. And I believe that you can too.

About Maggie Minor

Maggie Minor is the founder of Maggie Minor Designs, a resource for room designs and artwork that helps people surround themselves with inspiration. A former humanitarian worker, Maggie is also the author of Adventures of a Curious Sculptor, a memoir of her world travels and personal journey. To learn more, follow Maggie on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, or Facebook.

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